whispers of the garden

Farewell

2011-01-31T00:53:00.004-05:00

Welp. The time has come my friends.

Blogger, thanks for a good start. You've been (mostly) good to me... but we're movin' on.

You can find me over here now!

Check, check, check it!

That's http://melissaguthrie.wordpress.com

Peace and love, hope you continue reading!

Roadtrip 2010: Some Things I Learned Driving Across the Country

2011-01-12T01:33:00.003-05:00

nun's play ball. and i think about it all the stinkin time.
i'm not very good at making up songs. but it's ok, Caroline and Casey are.
next time you think a bear is outside your tent, you're probably wrong
don't talk on your cell phone and pump gas
it's true. i can write 15 paragraphs about my love for a tree while some famous building does absolutely nothing for me. i'm ok with this.
when driving across the country, pack as light as possible. and a cooler of food is extremely necessary.
when trying to enter canada, remember to shower and not look like a hippie in general
sometimes i think i live in the middle of nowhere. next time i think this, i will think of Kansas and remember that i'm wrong
gourmet chocolate is freaking good. anytime you have an unlimited supply of it at your fingertips, eat as much of it as possible, as fast as possible, for as long as possible.

a part of my heart will forever belong and come alive in small town, Clemson, SC
Denver feels like home
i have to get back to Montana. who's coming with me?
my heart still starts racing uncontrollably when i even so much as think about Portland, OR
the rain in Seattle isn't all that bad.

the Lord is diverse in the beauty of His creation, which is a beautiful expression of His heart both for us in the present but for also as He is forever about the work of changing us...
visiting people i love is probably one of my top 3 absolute favorite things i love in life
talking about scripture is sweet (not like that's sweet dude, but like. sweet, precious, wonderful)
often times, i choose to only see what is exactly like me and makes me comfortable. even more often, i choose to judge that which is different from me and keep it at an arm's length
i love that we never, ever, ever stop growing or learning about the Lord. His character, His love, His heart... there is more and more to discover and have our eyes opened to every single week, day, hour, moment.
we can't out-do the God of the universe. nice try though.
there are a lot of people in the world. and we all have the same broken story.
it's not about us and in the same breath it very much is. and we have to believe both.
sometimes there really isn't anything more hilarious than making inside jokes.
i'll sleep when i'm dead. no, really. (ha!)
we don't have time to waste.
i'm desperate for hope.
sometimes we just don't freaking get it. and it's okay.
for the love. let go. death grip kills you.
we are holy creatures. breathing and seeping with the Spirit of God. and when we choose to truly carry that with us wherever we go and offer it to others there is the potential for nothing to ever be the same.
live out of who you are. not who someone else is. everything will be much better then. and i mean everything!
when you have good friends in the car with you... riding for hours on end isn't all that bad.
the beauty and simplicity of simply doing life with others, or witnessing it from afar - makes my heart beat wildly with joy and at the same time become totally overwhelmed and calmed with peace.
the moment our dreams die is the moment our souls do as well.
letting your heart be healed is a process. and pieces can come slowly sometimes. but true freedom and redemption is the best thing i've ever tasted.
we can't even begin to comprehend how much love the Father has for us. Good grief.
we only need courage. and it's always right there for the taking.
change is good for us.
the Lord so intimately calls out for our souls it's absurd.
His promises are true.
sometimes, you gotta dance
His grace is abounding. His mercy really is new each morning.
choose to see the good in people.
people will yell at their kids absolutely anywhere. and it's heartbreaking.
we desperately have to believe we are the Church. now.
the Church is everywhere. truly. and thankfully.
this is only a taste of what's to come.
in order to tell a good story, you gotta live one first.
REI is awesome no matter where you go.
living in the past robs you of everything.
people serve Jesus in the most beautiful, powerful ways. it is both a gentle push and a swift punch in the face.
the moment we let go of fear - everything is far better.
i can't wait for Heaven.
you can learn a lot about a place by sitting in a coffee shop for awhile.
i want more. desire more. desperately need more.
when we wake up in the morning, we have little control over what happens and every bit of control over how we receive it.
creation truly is groaning and crying out.
in a friendship, speaking something is far more powerful and life giving than holding it in.
i feel alive when i laugh.
we're small little finite beings. with a big God. who loves to let us play in His creation.
God protects us. probably more than we'll ever know.
God is faithful.
sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is let yourself feel.
praying is the most important thing we can do. and i forget this every single day.
stop making plans. they'll get ruined. but if that happens to you, it will be the best thing that's ever happened in your life.
the lilies. God clothes them. so what do we have to worry about? the sparrows. He feeds them. surely He will care for us too.
The Lord means it when He calls you beautiful. and He'll show you over and over and over again until you start to believe it for yourself.
everyone is searching for something. the hard part can be getting someone to admit it to themselves.
i want to be careful when i say this - adventure for purely adventure's sake can leave you empty. chasing down one adventure after the next isn't the point. when we do that, we're either running from something or desperately looking for answers in all the wrong places.
if you love God. love people the way He does.

Roadtrip 2010: Part 16 - Vancouver, CANADA

2011-01-02T23:02:00.013-05:00

ok. first some pictures from Vancouver. (have i mentioned blogger drives me crazy?)

i was a little obsessed with this map. not really sure why. but here it is!

ignore my face.

the bigger question is WHAT IS THIS THING I'M HOLDING?!

i didn't know squash could get that freaking big!

and yes, pure maple syrup please!

incredible.

giant statues of the same man laughing. kinda funny, but mostly creepy!

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Vancouver. What an interesting place.

I'm not really sure what I expected, but Caroline's family said several times before we left "make sure you don't leave anything in your car. the property crime in Vancouver is really high while violent crime doesn't exist" uh. ok. we took everything out of the car, all our food, our camping gear, and all the other random stuff. The things I recall being left were: a shoe box, some books, a foam sleeping bag, a towel.

So we drove a couple of hours and entered into Canada. The idea alone that you can just do that whenever you want is weird.

This was the approximate conversation with the customs guy at the border... we'll call him "french/canadian guy on a power trip" (fcgpt):

fcgpt: your passports*caro and i hand him our passports, he takes a long time with them.*

fcgpt: you're from florida. you're from south carolina. how do you know each other?
caro: from college
fcgpt: where?
caro: clemson university in south carolina
fcgpt: (to me) you went there?me: yes sir

fcgpt: (to caro) and you?

caro: yes, i went to school there

fcgpt: what do you two do now?

me: i work for a church.

caro: i just graduated.

fcgpt: open your trunk

*trunk opens. he digs around at the random contents left over from DRIVING ACROSS THE FREAKING COUNTRY, comes back to the window*

fcgpt: what is this stuff in your car?

caro: we just drove across the country and have been camping some along the way.

fcgpt: where will you sleep tonight?
caro: in seattle.

fcgpt: you're visiting canada for the day?

caro: yes sir.

fcgpt: where are you staying in seattle?

caro: with my cousins.

fcgpt: but WHERE? what is the address?

caro: (tells him address)

fcgpt: why do you have this stuff in your car? it just doesn't make sense. it doesn't add up. it doesn't make sense for you to have this stuff.

me: we drove across the country. we took most everything out and left it in seattle.

fcgpt: when's the last time you had pot in this car?

*after caroline and i almost choke and gasp and clear the cobwebs out of our ears. surely we have entered the twilight zone. did he just ask us when was the last time we had weed in the car?!)

caro: what? never.

fcgpt: just be honest with me. when's the last time?

caro: i've never had any drugs in this car.

fcgpt: don't lie to me. just tell me. (he's getting angry!)

caro: honestly, i don't do drugs.

fcgpt: (to me) what about you? when's the last time you've had pot in this car?

me: never

fcgpt: you've never had pot in your friends car? even without her knowing?

me: no sir. (IF I HAD DRUGS I WOULDN'T HIDE IT IN MY FRIEND'S CAR CRAZY FRENCH MAN WITH A WEIRD ACCENT. GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE!)

fcgpt: so you've never brought drugs into this car, even if they are not in here right now?

me: (is this real life?) ... no!

fcgpt: you two. you've never had pot in this car?

both of us: no sir.

fcgpt: what are you going to do in Vancouver?

caro: explore. i don't know, we've never been here. we just want to come for the day!

fcgpt: and you're coming back through tonight?

caro: yes.

fcgpt: get out of here.

WHAT THE...? that was such a bizarre experience. i think it speaks for itself.

So moving on...

We drove to Granville Island, which is a part of the city under a bridge. That sounds strange, but is the only way I know how to explain it. Come to find out, it is actually the more touristy part of the city, but oh well. We walked around the market and figured out after stupidly asking this woman that we needed to exchange some of our money. (dumb question in hindsight, but at the time it seemed like a reasonable question).

Then we got some AMAZING Indian food and ate out on this boardwalk type thing that was FULL of people from all over the place! I don't think we said much during our meal but were just so excited about all the languages beings spoken around us, and the beauty of where we were, and just all the fun stuff going on all around us!

We then walked around some and went into some of the shops, which was enjoyable! The two things I remember from this were (1) a yarn shop with good music and (2) lots of left over Olympic memorabilia.

Then we drove through the city to a GIANT park where we changed clothes and went on a run. That was an interesting way to experience a place. Saw lots of people roller blading, playing instruments, laying on the beach, running, biking, and so forth! And I think it was good for both of us after so much riding around... so so much riding around! Like around 4,000 miles worth of riding around!

Afterwards we spent awhile trying to find a place to eat but didn't really know where we were going so we ended up making our way back too Granville island where we went to this fancy restaurant and enjoyed delicious food! And we had just enough Canadian money to pay for our meal and leave a good tip with a few coins left over to save for keeps! woohoo!

By that point we were tired and decided to go ahead and head back to Seattle since it would take us about 3 hours. This was the conversation on the American side of customs.

dude: just went in for the day?

caro: yes

dude: buy anything to bring back?

caro: nope

dude: have a good night.

seriously?

amazing. but we didn't get stamps for our passports! bummer!

Overall, Vancouver was a very peaceful seeming place. I enjoyed it. Very friendly, helpful people (BESIDES CRAZY MAN AT THE BORDER!) And so so beautiful. Wouldn't want to live there I don't think, but would definitely go back!

A day or two later after some final moments in Seattle... I flew out back to South Carolina.

An adventure doesn't even come close to accurately describing this trip... more thoughts to come!

Roadtrip 2010: Part 15 - West Coast part 2

2011-01-01T23:13:00.017-05:00

Happy New Year!

As promised... some pictures!

The first two are from Portland when we went and walked around a rose garden. and that's all from that place, you already know why! The rest are from around Seattle... enjoy!

Being miniature just like the sign says!

And no, I have no idea what is happening to my hair here.

fun people playing some music in Seattle!

yummy and delicious! walked by these things and couldn't help but stop!

we also had some really delicious cheese in Seattle. wish i had gotten a picture.

i thought this was funny.

on a walk in the park. it was really windy on this point. so this picture is kinda goofy!

forrest gump? yes.

we made it to the west coast! literally!

the troll under the bridge

hiding from the troll!

Roadtrip 2010: Part 14 - West Coast Part 1

2010-12-23T23:34:00.006-05:00

You thought I was lying when I said I would be lucky to finish these posts by the end of the year... well I guess I showed you! ha!

Thanks to:
(1) a computer that sometimes works and then when it does decide to work only wants to connect to the internet in certain locations (one of which is NOT my house, which actually has been a blessing)
(2) breaking the friend's computer I was sometimes using (yikes. terrible feeling)
and (3) the fact that my life will not CALM THE FREAK DOWN

blogging has been pushed aside dear friends. never fear faithful readers (err, hi! all 2 of you!) I'm still going to try to persevere through these road trip posts! (if for nothing else to say i'm finished. b/c let's get real - we're all a bit over it.) and in even more exciting news - i've got some blog changes up my sleeve (or really bouncin around in the creative (small) part of my brain) - so get excited!

so now... on to the west coast!

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After our beautiful stint in Montana we hit the road to Seattle. We pretty much drove until midnight to get there - but it was worth it. That part of the drive I remember being hilarious. We laughed a lot. But due to the fact it's 4 months later - I can't reallllllllllly tell you at what b/c I don't remember!

Except I do remember that we stopped in a parking lot and cooked macaroni out of the trunk. People kept driving by and had AWESOME responses! Some people gave us the "crazy fool!" look, other pretended to not be watching but had a look that said "HUH", and some pointed and laughed. Funny. The other thing I remember from the drive is seeing a sign for a canyon, but it was about 11 o'clock and we couldn't see it. but we tried to look and we pulled off and there were signs everywhere about rattlesnakes. gross.

Seattle completely surprised me. I honestly didn't really expect to like it - but we shot out of these tunnels and Seattle just totally welcomed us! Seattle was really fun. We enjoyed going to the market, checking out the different parts of town, eating in different restaurants, going for a run through a park, visiting with Caroline's family and two of my friend's from high school. We went to a giant REI (hm, probably our 3rd or 4th to visit on the trip!) We were in Seattle for a good 5 days which was like heaven. To not have to constantly be picking up and packing up but to have somewhere semi-permanent. It was glorious.

Probably my favorite part of Seattle was just hearing what it was like to live there from Caroline's family. Just hearing someone else's perspective on life and hearing what their day to day life is like for them stirred my heart for deeper living amongst people. At one point Caroline and I also got to share with them what dcf is like, what it means to us, and how it has shaped so much for both of us. It was kind of crazy explaining something so dear to my heart to someone who has not one concept of what dcf is. It was actually pretty difficult at first but the more I was able to get my thoughts in order, the more I was reminded of how much I truly love that place - it is home. Looking back now, it is actually incredible that the Lord took me further and further away from Clemson and taught me numerous things along the way. Then once we were pretty much the furthest we could get he started to draw my heart back home, back to what I love, the people I cherish dearly, and the place I am currently called to be. Hm, there's a lot of life goodness in there isn't there? We have a good Father who does beautiful things.

We also spent one day in Portland. I hated it. I mean, I'm willing to say we had a bad experience but it would take A LOT to convince me to go back there. It seemed like everywhere we turned there were people doing drugs, talking about drugs, stoned out of their minds, drugs this, drugs that... PEOPLE! I know I live in a small southern town but LAY OFF THE REEFER! I also met a woman who upon meeting her bashed the south after the words that had just come out of my mouth were, "I'm from South Carolina" THAT'S SOUTH. CAROLINA. SOUTH. SOUTH. SOUTH. what? seriously? Her reasoning was that in the south people are "fake" and that at least in Portland if someone hates you they will tell you to your face. Dear lady, I understand what you mean with your fake comment. but do you OFTEN have people telling you that they hate you - because that sounds terrible! It was also creep central - the entire time I felt like someone was following us. buhh! I think that's all I need to say about Portland. I'm done with the bashing. And no, you guessed correctly, I will not be going to seminary in Portland. Although, it should be noted that the Lord did work on my heart a bit in Portland and make me realize that I don't have a lot of grace for people who do drugs. Workin on it.

Anyways, I am all worked up now. Gonna go - but I will have pictures for you soon (that's assuming blogger decides to be friendly and not pull it's usual crap when I try to post pictures). Then a little bit about our day trip to Vancouver. Some final Road Trip reflections and then PEACE OUT 2010, HELLLLLO 2011!

Roadtrip 2010: Part 13 - Glacier National Park

2010-11-16T10:25:00.017-05:00

Well... it would definitely appear that I have disappeared into a black hole. Never fear though! I am alive!

Life has been pretty insane - mostly in good, rich, beautiful, fun ways. But busier than I ever imagined it could be! Hopefully that will slow soon.

I need to finish these road trip posts, since it happened 3 months ago, but also because I have many other things I'd like to write about. So back to the regularly scheduled program!

Also, just a fair warning. My mind is moving at Adderall pace this morning - get ready for chaos to explode, hope you can follow it!

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I forgot to mention in my last post that the river we rafted down was the one where A River Runs Through It was filmed. No big deal, just a minor detail! I've actually never seen the movie, but would like to very soon especially after being on the river!

So after staying in Big Sky for a couple of days we headed over the mountains... to more mountains, particularly the ones in Glacier National Park!

Glacier was beautiful and seemed to be a very diverse park. We drove in and through a winding dirt road for about 30 minutes to get to our camp site. Then we cooked dinner by a lake and took it all in. No bear sightings!

The next day we got up and drove the Going-to-the-Sun Road which basically is a road that takes you to the top of the mountains and goes from one end of the park to the other. Since we didn't have much time, and wanted to see as much of the park as possible, we decided this was our best option. It was freaking incredible!

Please see the album and you'll know what I mean! I started to upload some pictures and then realized that I wanted to share them all and that would take forever and make this post incredibly long. So we'll go with the album. I probably should have done this all along, but oh well!

Four other notes about this particular day:

(1) This day happened to be the ONLY DAY of our trip that it rained. Incredible? Yes, thank you Lord! But the rain didn't spoil the fun or the beauty!

(2) Also, a lot of people have asked me if Caroline and I ever got sick of each other or got in a fight or anything like that? The day we drove the Going-to-the-Sun Road was also the only day we got in a minor ... I wouldn't even call it argument. Just had to have a conversation - and it wasn't even a big deal. I can't even really remember what it was about! Good friendship? Yes, I'd say so!

(3) This was the first day that I truly started to feel like we were living out the car. Before we started the drive after camping we stopped at this fancy lodge full of all these well-dressed (and really by that all I mean is clean) people. So we walked in in our camping clothes, haven't showered for... awhile, and found the bathroom where we washed our faces and brushed our teeth. Lots of funny looks. It felt a little rebellious, and of course I was worried about getting in trouble, but it was fuuuun!

(4) I just can't get over the wild flowers. They were everywhere. EVERYWHERE. And I was obsessed with them. The Lord continuously used them to teach me of my beauty, of how much more He cares for me and rejoices over me and loves me deeply, and oh what they say of His character! If you ever meet a boy who thinks he's going to marry me - tell him about the wildflowers - and he will surely win me over! (Again, see the picture album!)

Just like with the Grand Tetons, I will definitely be returning to Glacier one day... If you ever go, let me know and I will SO be there!

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Next Up: The West Coast

Roadtrip 2010: Part 12, Surprise! Montana!

2010-10-11T23:01:00.016-04:00

At this rate I'm going to be lucky to finish these things by 2011. Geez. I never knew my life could be so busy... anyways, on to the glorious Montana.

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Montana was another one of those places where the Lord surprised us with His beauty and His love for us in every single way. And the best part was that I 100 percent didn't see it coming. It was an absolute treasure of a surprise. It blew me away.

Now, for most of my life I would say that Montana has been a place not ever on my radar or a place I ever considered a "must visit". I mean, Montana? That seems incredibly random and 6,000 miles away from anything you've ever known (and it is!) Who goes there? But after visiting - I could move to Montana! It is beautiful beyond words... with gigantic mountains, wildflowers galore, and a simple just... being or presence. Just breathing the air felt divine and perfect and made life slow down!

We arrived in Big Sky, MT with the thought that we would stay for a day and then head on our way to Glacier National Park. But when we arrived those plans quickly got abandoned!

We stayed with Caroline's family friends in their mansion on the top of a mountain that overlooked the most gorgeous sunsets, roaring mountains, and of course - some big sky! Cheesy, I know... but if ever a place has been aptly named, it's that one! When we walked into the house and were shown the room we would be staying in (complete with the largest bean bag chair you could ever fathom) we squealed with excitement. I mean shrieks and giggles like you can't imagine! There was jumping up and down and some rolling around on the ground too if I'm not mistaken.

We traded in our rice and beans over a small camping stove for wild elk, gourmet sweet potatoes, lots of wine from the vineyards of California, and the glories of fresh fruit. We traded in our ground pads, sleeping bags, and tent for warm beds and a night in the hot tub looking up at the stars. We traded in our normal camping and driving routine for two extra nights and one extra day that included whitewater rafting, hiking, and dinner on the porch overlooking it all. It was incredible.

I felt spoiled in all of those undeserving ways... full in all those you just can't hold the joy in type of ways... alive in all of those I want more of this and yet I could just sit in this forever type of ways...

It was in Montana that the Lord probably spoke most deeply of His love for me. It took getting all the way to freaking Montana - probably the furthest from anything familiar or comfortable - for the Lord's whispers to finally break through. For His love to sing wildly and my ears to listen with great anticipation instead of fear. For His joy to be restored in me. For His words of daughter, beloved, beautiful, and intimate love to finally break through the rusty, beat-up, chains around my heart.

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Next Up: Glacier National Park

Roadtrip 2010: Part 11, A day in Yellowstone National Park

2010-09-27T23:16:00.013-04:00

After we left Wyoming we headed to Montana, but not without driving through Yellowstone. It was, of course, beautiful as well. In different ways though. You can take a look for yourself.

What I loved most about driving through Yellowstone, was the fact that we were leaving the Grand Tetons - which were so good to us. Good for each of our souls, freeing, good for our friendship, good for just continuing to make room for the Lord to speak. And there was plenty of camping, this time without waking up terrified with bears. I was proud of myself! But in driving through Yellowstone we weren't just leaving a treasured place, we were headed towards something new... something unknown... and my soul was beginning to soar.

Yellowstone held excitement. hope. joy.

i could stare into these wildflower fields all day...

geysers. strange things.

dear buffalo, you're really large but not very pretty. sorry. love, melissa

hey there baby buff!

This is when we decided to go swimming in one of the little lakes. We found out later that it could be illegal. Whatever. It's also a true story that it was frigid cold - most other people were wearing long pants, coats, and hats. And most importantly, there were definitely Asian tourists who video taped us.

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Next up: Surprise! Montana!

Roadtrip 2010: Part 10, the beauty of Wyoming

2010-09-26T23:10:00.028-04:00

It will be October on Friday... at this rate I may never finish these posts. And I have some other things to TALK. ABOUT. (Don't worry, I have a list! And Justin and Claire - I haven't forgotten your requests!)

But regardless, I give you Wyoming and The Grand Tetons and all the beauty that it is. (I'm sorry I got a little carried away with the pictures - there are just so many good ones!) Although, I warn you, these pictures don't even do it justice. Gosh, I want to go back. Someday. And you should go someday too!

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Oh hello there Mr. Moose (And your friend too!)

I told you... I love Kale t-shirt.

Fun toes!

i'm in love...

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Next Up: Driving through Yellowstone

Roadtrip 2010: Part 9, Wyoming

2010-09-22T23:42:00.002-04:00

We left Casey in Denver to fly back for her bff's wedding and Caroline and I hit the road for Wyoming. The ride itself was not actually that thrilling. Turns out most of what you drive through in Wyoming is flatness and general desert-like terrain, with some jaggedness in the distance. Beautiful in it's own sense but not much else. Caroline entertained herself by taking pictures of her I love Kale t-shirt. Yes, you read that correctly. Kale people, kale. The girl loves her kale.

We stopped at a gas station at some point (after I took a little snooze in the car because we all know Melissa Angeline can not stay awake just ridin along - this is the last time I fell asleep thank you - it was quite an accomplishment.) So anyways, we stopped at a gas station to get some gas, go to the bathroom, switch drivers, etc. I pumped while Caroline went in to use the restroom. So I'm sitting there pumping gas, checkin out Wyoming when this van drove up on the other side of the pump I was using. Out jumped this guy who pretty much threw the gas nozzle into the side of his car and ran inside. Then for the next 5 minutes or so I listened to the worst verbal abuse of two children I have ever heard in my entire life. I mean, I get it - I don't know what that mother has been through. I don't know her story. I don't know what makes someone act like that and I'm not going to pretend to understand. But the words I heard this mother speak to her children were utterly heart breaking. Things that I can't even imagine thinking, much less speaking about my inanimate shoe lying on the ground were only the tip of the iceberg in comparison to the things that she spoke over her children. Her children for crying out loud - her precious children who are innocent and are such a reflection of the Lord. Doesn't she know the power of just a single word? All I could think about was the damage being done to those poor hearts and souls, as my own was silently screaming for it to just stop. Their worth, their identity, their sense of security - shattered. I felt like my legs had been cemented into the ground. Even breathing was difficult as I listened to the injustice on the other side of the pump. I had tears in my eyes and I felt nauseous and all I could do was clinch my fists tight. My nozzle kicked off and I tore off my receipt and sat down in the driver's seat. The father came out of the gas station, jumped in his van, and they drove off. Little broken, beat-up hearts just drove off and disappeared down the road. Maybe I should have done something, I don't know. All I could mutter was a prayer for mercy and protection, for somehow grace to be shown to them, for the lies to fall on deaf ears. It rocked me hard. It's not supposed to be that way. I don't think I even told Caroline what happened until we were 30 minutes down the road. It was probably the worst moment of the trip. That sounds weird because it was all of 5 minutes just witnessing something from afar - but it was gut-wrenching and shocking and terrible. It still makes me sick to think about.

Anyways, in less disturbing news... the closer we got to the Grand Tetons the more beautiful Wyoming became. The Grand Tetons were one of my top two places we visited. I'll post pictures for you tomorrow. It just doesn't seem right to let the beauty of those mountains sit with the terrible story I just told you. So yes, the bad today - the good tomorrow. But hey, I had to get to the worst part of the trip at some point, right?

Roadtrip 2010: Part 8, More Colorado

2010-09-19T23:54:00.019-04:00

Hopefully I will get around to finishing these Roadtrip Posts within the next week... I'm only like half way through.

But anyways, enjoy some more of Colorado. It's beautiful. These are all in the Rockies. We also spent about a day in Boulder, but I have no pictures to show from that.

Also, it should be noted, that I took none of these pictures - they all belong to Casey and Caro!

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I'm not sure why the above picture is not turned in the correct direction. Oh well - still a cool picture!

Make sure you look closely up there!

This little guy was my favorite.

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Next Up: Wyoming

Roadtrip 2010: Part 7, The Rockies

2010-09-15T23:13:00.012-04:00

We spent about 24 hrs in the Rockies exploring by car, going on a couple of hikes, and camping.

And the Rockies my friends, redefined prayer for me and changed the way I will pray for the rest of my life. Let me explain.

We drove into the park sometime in the afternoon and it took us awhile to get to the actual camp grounds we were planning on staying at. We probably got there around dinner time, checked in, set-up, and cooked some dinner under the moonlight. As we drove in there were signs everywhere warning about this being bear country and you better freakin have your food in air tight containers or in your belly. Uhm, remember that time we were driving across the country and have more food in our car than we even know what to do with? Bear Country. Whatever.

After eating camp fire roasted bananas smothered in marshmallows, peanut butter, and dark chocolate (what, you're drooling? you should be!) we went to bed probably around 9:30 or 10.

Fast forward to maybe 2:30 or 3:00 in the morning...
Casey: (panicked voiced) MELISSA! DID YOU HEAR THAT!?
Me: (woken up out of a dead sleep) no. go back to sleep.

listens.

WHAT THE (insert expletive) IS THAT?

I have never heard such weird bizarre noises in my life.

Casey and I literally were trembling in fear. (Casey at one point even asked for permission to turn over! ha!) And I have never been so overcome with fear in my entire life. I think I literally thought a bear was going to eat me. (Side note for the fans: turns out Caroline is a total bad-a and was never as scared as Casey and I were, she was simply just trying to calm us down. She even admitted to wanting to laugh a few times at the things we were praying. Whatever man, the devil was after us.)

So for the next 2.5 hours the three of us prayed like we have never prayed before. I mean, I prayed for people to be woken up with an urgency to pray for us. I prayed for the Lord's hand to cover our tent in protection (I probably said this upwards of 100 times). I prayed for my friend Summer (friend in Kansas City who dominated us with truth) to be flung out of bed. And I praised the Lord for who He was over and over and over (and over!) again! I claimed Christ's victory as my own. I prayed for time to speed up and the sun to rise faster. And everything anyone else prayed I said "yes Lord!" to. out loud. with passion man.

And when I just happened to look up and see the entire front of the tent become completely covered in gia-freaking-normous animal shadow (complete with ears, tail, and 16 thousand pounds of meat on the little guy) - I think I about wet my pants and threw up at the same time. My eyes were probably as wide as pumpkins. Or wider.

Now listen, it's all fun and games now. But at the time, it was life or death. (And I actually really do believe once satan realized the fear up in that nylon tent, he took full advantage) And when the sun started to rise I have never been so glad for it be 5:30ish in the morning in my life. Praise Jesus for 5:30 AM!

It was one of the crazier experiences of my life (more crazy than running a marathon in shoes that don't fit). But the Lord actually had a LOT to say about it. And it really did redefine the way I pray. There is something about being at what you think is the very end of your life, completely helpless, and terrified out of your ever-living mind, that makes you cry out to the God of the universe because He's the only one who saves! I have never prayed with such expectation that the Lord is in control. I have never freakin put satan back in his hole like I did that night. I have never prayed with fervour and total belief in the Lord and His power like I did that night. Honestly, it is a hilarious story now that I laugh throughout when I tell in person. But the Lord was up to something that night...

Drawing us to Him. Shaping a trust in Him that has never been there before, one that can't be shaken. And asking us to come closer, to believe more, to understand He truly is in the fight over our lives. To be intimately held by our Savior and sung sweetly back to sleep in peace.

Ridiculous. And by that I mean ridiculously good.

And here are some pictures of the place where it all went down.

me with my little buddy: the new stove!

the morning after: please note ridiculously tired eyes in above two pictures.
that's what a bear and some prayer will do to ya!

victory of surviving the night!

And just for the record: turns out what scared us that night was simply some elk because some idiot left his goldfish on the ground... awesome. thanks dude, means a lot.

Roadtrip 2010: Part 6, Golden, CO

2010-09-13T23:39:00.006-04:00

I'd like to introduce you to Golden, Colorado. Home of a fun little river to play in. Home of Coors Brewery. Home of strange statues everywhere.

And the place where we laughed deeply, made up a song about our adventures, and wondered at what a bizarre place we found ourselves in. Enjoy.

Roadtrip 2010: Part 5, Denver

2010-09-13T22:44:00.006-04:00

Sorry for the hiatus... remember that crash I referred too a few posts back? Well it happened. And in typical Melissa fashion I went down in a blaze of snotty, exhausted, head-aching glory. I think I'm pretty much recovered though!

But again, I'm afraid I'm starting to forget! Gotta get this out there!

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Denver. Oh Denver.

We rolled into the city sometime around dinner time and it's a blur from there! Throughout our days there we walked around the city, spent some time in the Tattered Cover, spent some time in REI and then thrifting, visited a church, and I visited Denver Seminary.

I probably COULD say a lot about the church we visited - but it is probably EASIEST for me to say that it was good for my heart for two reasons. 1) It showed me that church outside of dcf is possible. That I don't have to worry that once I leave this place, that other places like it don't exist. It sounds silly, but I deeply needed to be reminded that God's people and them expressing His heart are literally everywhere. 2) It showed me how much I am NOT done with my time at dcf. That I am not done pursuing life here with these people. That I'm not ready to move on. That there is still something God deeply stirs in me about these people, this place. And I NEEDED to be reminded of that. It wouldn't be the last time!

The Seminary visit was... perfect. The people I met, the things the Seminary strives for, believes in, teaches - all combined with the location. HELLO! I also was able to eat lunch with a professor who was just... gosh he was great. I loved him! Haha, I don't know that I should say that but oh well. It really was just so affirming to talk with him, to hear his story, for him to hear mine, for us to just share life as I considered Seminary and learned about the program. Yeah, I don't know what else to say about it... I started my application on the spot.

Denver was a place of healing for my soul. The specifics are too much to get into here, but there was a night that we spent talking that just led to parts of my heart being healed that I had kind of just pushed aside and thought could never be healed. I literally got down on the ground and worshipped the Lord in the most intimate way I ever have. I felt all of this junk I had been dealing with literally being thrown off of me. I felt the Lord lifting me out of the muck and placing me on Himself. I felt Him taking these lies out of my head and flinging them as far as the east is from the west. Yes, it all sounds crazy ... and it was actually pretty wild! It was pure freedom being ushered in, healing like I've never experienced. And just one more glimpse of the Lord just showering us/me with His love. My heart was awakened to life again.

And honestly, I don't really remember a lot of other specifics from our time there except that we were able to visit some dear friends. That is the largest and most important thing that stands out in my mind. It was precious, sweet, fun, rich, encouraging time.

We stayed with my friend Tara, who was a Young Life leader with me back in the day. (Do you like how I'm acting like I'm 60? Whatever.) Tara works for Teach for America in Denver and works harder than anyone I've ever known. Her heart for children and education is beautiful - just hearing her talk about it you really believe that quality, equal education for ALL is possible. I'm not even joking. It's astounding. The way she gives of herself for others is probably one of the more profound examples of Christ I've ever had in my life. We are about as opposite as 2 people can get but we love each other and see each other deeply. And dang, do we need each other. It was so good to be able to spend time with her - catching up, encouraging one another, and just being. She's close to my heart.

And one night we had dinner and coffee with Rachel. Oh Rachel. She peered into us and spoke truth over each of us individually in crazy ways. The girl knows what my heart needs to hear. And it was good. So good. I feel silly just saying that it was good over and over again, and that being the only thing to say about our time with her. But you're just going to have to trust me. (It's also true that when we first met up with her, I walked around with my hands over my heart, smiling really largely. Yep.)

We were able to see our friend Meg who lived in Haiti for the last year. Just being able to all share with each other where we have been the past year and what we're looking towards was incredible. It was astounding how we found that we had all learned such similar things about ourselves and the things that we desire, but she was half a world away and in 100% different circumstances. Funny how the Lord can work similar outcomes in COMPLETELY different ways.

And all of that can be summed up to say... Denver. Denver feels like home.

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Next Up: Other Parts of Colorado

Roadtrip 2010: Part 4, On the Road through Kansas

2010-09-02T23:55:00.024-04:00

There are people in the world who their breakfast-time reading depends on this blog. Never mind the sleep deprivation, Whispers is in high demand people. Can't stop now.
(kidding - i'm actually afraid if I don't do it now, I'm going to forget things. Our minds are so quick to forget...)

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On the road through Kansas we...

stopped for coffee with a dear old friend in Kansas City
(and then she rocked our faces off with truth and prayer);

ate from the chocolate blob;
jumped among the sunflowers;

loved the simple beauty of the church;

talked through the beauty and the power of being awakened,
rising from the dead, and what it means for Christ to shine on you
(and oh were we being awakened!);

practiced our best Who faces (as in the Who's in Who-ville);

sang some songs and laughed a lot;
found ourselves in the middle of no where;
saw lots of windmills for good measure;

and only went a little crazy.

Until we saw this in the distance...

All in all, Kansas wasn't so bad. It was beautiful in it's own way.

And made me long for a more simple life.
The 15 hours in the car with Casey and Caroline
was one of my top two favorite portions of driving for the entire trip.
Our hearts were free and our love wild.
I'd do it again.

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Next up: Denver

Roadtrip 2010: Part 3, St. Louis

2010-09-01T23:03:00.006-04:00

Needless to say, the rest of the drive that first day from Nashville to St. Louis was both difficult and good all at once. I remember sleeping and waking up and feeling exhausted. Not exhausted from driving, but literally exhausted from all that this past summer was. A summer of much difficulty, questions, and lack of community. I cried and was whiny - oh well. The rest of the drive also included a stop at Walmart for dinner where we decided to eat deli style chicken and sliced cheese roll-ups. Hold on, don't let me confuse you, there was nothing else. There was the deli sliced chicken and the cheese and we rolled them up together. Yeahhhh... don't judge.

We got to St. Louis pretty late and arrived at our friend Lainey's house - scratch that - MANSION. When the three of us drove up to her house MANSION (after driving through her gigantic neighborhood that took 15 minutes to get to her house after the entrance sign) and then walked in we kind of looked at each other as if to say Where are we?! This is gigantic. People really live here! I think we were giggling with excitement.

The Lord spoiled us. We shared a giant downstairs bedroom with a bed so big the three of us shared it and never even knew the other two were there. It was crazy (and only the beginning of the mansions!)

The next day we got up in time for everyone to drop me off for my visit at Covenant Theological Seminary. I went on a campus tour, talked with a graduate of the counseling program, and someone in financial aid (who had graduated from Furman!) It was wonderful. I think if I were to go there I would be challenged in every way - academically (it's very brainsy and the most booksy of the three I visited!), spiritually, communally, etc. I really think I would learn to think in a completely different way. I loved it. When I was talking with the woman who just graduated, the biggest thing that stood out to me was her description of the community there and how it completely changed her life. She even said she never knew beforehand that community so rich and alive could exist. In random St. Louis, MO it seems God has used this place to deeply affect people's relationships with one another. She said it was the best community she'd ever had... I know that feeling. It was a sweet reminder (and one of MANY that would come) that God's community is everywhere and that it is a huge part of His heart. It was even comforting to know that were I to go to Covenant, community would be very near and dear to the heart of my time there. It would be impossible to hide.

But, I don't know that I could live in St. Louis, MO.

Yes, there are plenty of free things to do (which is a major plus when you're in grad school I'm told) but it was hot. freaking hot. I don't even remember being that hot when I lived in New Orleans. And it just doesn't feel like a place I'm drawn too much.

The rest of the afternoon we explored the arch, a park with giant lilly pads, had some ice cream, and lethargically passed out on the couch after a day of walking around in the blazes. Damn it was hot. It seems like we barely even talked because we were all just so stinkin sweaty. Ok, enough about the heat - some pictures!

Caption: Thank God for this random arch in the middle of St. Louis that provides the only bit of shade around from this sweltering heat.
I'm hot.
Oh, I'm tired.
I'm hot.
I'm thirsty.
My clothes are sticking too me.
Where are we again?

That evening we enjoyed dinner with Lainey's family and watched a movie (in the house MOVIE THEATER complete with giant screen, personal seating, surround sound, dim lighting, and blankets for all!) called 180 degrees south made by the founder of Patagonia. Check out the trailer here! Best quote of the movie, "Adventure really starts when everything goes wrong."

Even though we all fell asleep during it (need to see it again!)... it was the perfect way to start out the adventure! Needless to say, we were excited for what was to come.

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Next up: On the road through Kansas

Roadtrip 2010: Part 2, The Beginning

2010-09-01T00:17:00.028-04:00

At some point there is going to be a large crash that takes place within my body. Since returning to Clemson late Saturday night, with the exception of one night I have averaged probably 3 hrs of sleep a night. There is a freak-of-alot of excitement running through me. I can't turn it off. Anyways, you don't care about that.

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On the morning of August 9th, Caroline and I woke up and packed the car to the brim. We then drove to Greenville to pick up Casey so that the adventure could officially begin. (But not without a stop at Mast General Store for me to buy a knife to protect me from the bears I was utterly terrified of - true story - and yes, I now own a knife that I love to carry around everywhere. I even took it to campus today, just because!)

As we drove through Asheville we spent some time in prayer. We prayed for our trip, for our hearts, for the enemy to be bound. We prayed for God to lead, for Him to change us, for us to be open to all that He had for us. We prayed for His eyes to see all we would normally just pass by. We prayed for our friendships to be strengthened in Him. Looking back now, it is safe to say that these prayers laid the foundation for the entire road trip. They changed everything. God was surely going to answer in absolutely astounding ways.

The first leg of our journey led us to St. Louis, MO but not without an unanticipated stop in Nashville to visit a Convent. Yes, that's right - the Convent. That's where you're supposed to stop on roadtrips, right? To visit the nuns. Of course! That's not something you planned on your cross country road trip? Strange.

Just kidding. It definitely wasn't in the plans. Something we had talked about around the time we prayed in Asheville was how we just wanted to be open to whatever the Lord wanted. We didn't want to be to strict on our schedule that we missed something He was doing. We wanted to simply be open to being present, to stopping if necessary. It wasn't about getting from destination to destination but about being wherever we were as we traveled. If we were passing something we wanted to stop at, even if it didn't make sense, then we would tell the others - and we would stop.

Thus, a Convent in Nashville, TN. Turns out Casey has a friend she grew up with who decided their freshman year of college she was going to join a Convent. So, she did (because in her words "that's totally normal, right!") So as we were approaching Nashville Casey suggested that we stop to visit. Of course.

So we pulled up to the Convent, get out of the car and walk towards what looks like a castle. The first thing I saw, and I am not joking when I say this, were two nuns in FULL nun attire playing BASKETBALL.

Shut the front door! I about peed my pants. Nuns playing basketball? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Who knew. That was probably the best thing I have seen in awhile. And the Lord was just being funny with me, I mean BASKETBALL! I freaking love basketball! Of all sports for them the be playing - A COUPLE OF NUNS BALLIN ON THE COURT IN THEIR FULL NUN GEAR? (you're probably not supposed to call it nun gear) My gosh I wish I had a picture of it. What the heck.

Anyways, so we go into the Convent and find out Casey's friend is out working at a school in the city but would return shortly. So we spent some time ... err, just exploring! Nothing else!

Then we went back to check to see if she was back from teaching, but she wasn't. So this other nun escorted us down to this back door where friend-nun would probably be coming in. (ps - I'm not using names because I can't remember any of them. oops.) The nun who took us to the back door was the coolest nun I've ever met. That sounds really dumb but this girl was awesome. For whatever reason she was just really open with the three of us about how she ended up being a nun, what was difficult about it, and the like. One of my favorite things she said was "yeah, ya know. I grew up in Denver and I was gonna go play ball in college. It was my life. Sorry, I mean basketball. (homenungirl, you have no clue who you're talking too. You can call it ball, I'm totally diggin it) but then I just decided to become a nun so I came here instead!" What? That happens? What was most surprising is that she said it was the small things she missed more than anything. She missed being able to just go hike up a mountain, she missed living in Denver, she missed being able to walk around barefoot, being able to simply have your own schedule...

After meeting Casey's friend and just being around some of the other nuns, I had a lot of questions.

It made me question my Catholic upbringing. Not question that it happened, but just question what it was all about. This Catholic faith that on one hand I am so utterly drawn to it's beauty, it's simplicity, it's devotion. And on the other hand is something that feels so far away from me, so earth-shatteringly deprived of something, so ritualistic that I don't see how even the most scheduled of people can handle it. I don't even remember hearing about the idea of having a relationship with Jesus growing up. And what about this deal with saints, and having to go to confession, and praying to Mary - it just seems so binding. When I can literally come to the Lord as I am and worship at His feet (please know I say that with much humility). I just can't make it add up in my head.

It made me question why I walked away. It made me question what it was about these nuns that made them able to do this. At the end of the day, I just kept hearing myself say "God, I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I love you, but I just don't get this. I couldn't do it." And then I would go from that to, "God, are you calling me to a life like this?" That sounds a little humorous now, but there was a back and forth battle and dailogue of questions bouncing around my head.

I couldn't give up my family. I couldn't give up men and the idea of marriage. I couldn't give up what feel like just simple freedoms, and freedoms that I don't think are bad.

I think I'd go mad.

When we got back in the car, my heart continued to mull over all of this. (And to be fair, I think it was something that was really difficult for all three of us to comprehend, to understand, to know how to enter into.) A part of my experience there felt so inspiring, felt so not what I expected, even felt appealing in some ways. And part of me absolutely shuttered at even walking the halls there. I wanted to scream. There was something in it that felt dark, it was difficult. I just didn't know what to do with it. I had way more questions than answers. It even made me question my own walk. Was I doing it right? Was there something I was missing? What about the fact that my journey up until this point has has in every since of the word been genuine and as sincere as I know how to explain and how to live? Up until now living this life has made me feel and believe that I have been most alive... what do I do with that? Where were these thoughts and feelings and struggles we were facing coming from?

And the Lord just gently said... You are my daughter. This is hard for you because what you desire is intimacy and they give their lives for intimacy with me. You are drawn to the devotion. There is something in me that sees how intimate it is. How much devotion it requires. And I want that. I do want that. Yes. There it was. I desire intimacy with my Savior. I desire devotion to Him - both in action, thought, and just living.

And He just gently reminded me from that point forward that intimacy, devotion, communion with Him... was what this ENTIRE journey was about to be about... that I didn't need to question my story, but I needed to be open to intimacy with Him and open to living a life that is more devoted than I was yesterday. He desires those things with all of us and it absolutely will look differently for every single child of His. When we are willing to open ourselves up to Him drawing us into that - everything changes. Our hearts change. Our attitudes change. Our relationship with Him changes. The way we look at the world - it changes.

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Next up: St. Louis

ps- does anyone have any formatting/picture inserting tips for blogger. it about made me lose my mind tonight! i just feel like it doesn't do what i want it too, uploading pictures into the post where i want them to be doesn't work, and formatting the actual post into paragraphs with seperations doesn't work. help!? i need my own melissaguthrie.com

Roadtrip 2010: Part 1

2010-08-31T00:28:00.002-04:00

My body seems to think it is still on the west coast... so I might as well do something productive and use the time wisely. So I'll blog, because blogging is sooo wise! Plus, 6:30ish will come early in the morning and then perhaps the ole bones and cells and water and stuff will remember what timezone we're really in!

As you know, because you were patiently waiting for updates, I have spent the past 3 weeks on a roadtrip across the country. Sorry for no updates, there really wasn't time. No seriously, there wasn't.

It was incredible. awesome. amazing. the best thing I've ever done (besides deciding to attend dcf for the first time). It almost isn't fair for me to even say "oh, the trip was good" when someone asks how it went. I feel like I need at least 30 minutes to talk your ear off. It was that good. It was swoon-good, can't shut up-good, glowingly-good. The kind of good that you know you'll never be the same. The kind of good that you know it wasn't just something you'll remember for being so good, but so good that it changes even the way you'll live tomorrow. The kind of good that you can't describe, like when you get butterflies when a certain someone walks in the room, or you lose your breath jumping into a cold lake, or you just can't fall asleep at night because you're too excited about what the next day holds. Yep, that good.

My eyes saw beautiful mountains, astounding waters, big sky, rolling fields, huge sunflowers, the city skyline.

My ears heard the sweet voices of old friends and was pleasantly surprised by the new ones.

My body trembled with fear at times, ached with soreness at others, fought exhaustion, and was elated at all there was to do, to see, to explore.

I was able to tell someone about dcf and the way we try (with grace!) to live out this life following God. And I was reminded of how much I love the Church, even with all it's flaws.

My heart was healed. It was redeemed. It was rejuvenated. It was called beautiful and courageous, strong and rejoiced over. My heart worshipped and broke for those far off. My heart was connected with life, beating hand in hand.

And oh I learned! The Lord was almost funny in the ways He spoke and called to life and made us pay attention. There is much that I learned, which can only be shared with others.

So over the next week, I will attempt to share with you in words and pictures the Roadtrip of 2010. Get Ready.

ROADTRIP 2010

2010-08-08T16:13:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I leave on a 20-day road trip with two of my closest friends, Caroline and Casey.

We will be stopping in St. Louis - Denver and other parts of CO - Jackson Hole, WY and the Grand Tetons - Glacier National Park in Montana - Portland, OR - Vancouver, CANADA - Seattle, WA.

Part of the trip is to look at seminaries (me) and nursing schools (C&C). The other part will be full of adventure, visiting friends, and spending sometime in the wilderness.

Yes, I'm beyond excited.

Please pray for our safety, that we may serve/love people along the way, and that we would truly worship with our whole beings.

I will try my best to keep you involved along the way. Caroline and Casey may guest blog some too!

...Off to pack!

New Orleans Follow-up

2010-08-03T23:21:00.007-04:00

I wanted to gather some follow-up thoughts from New Orleans... I don't know that anyone else is interested in this but if nothing else I'll probably enjoy the read through a year from now. I'm learning a lot.

1. Everything about the 10 days down there has left my soul tired. More tired than I remember feeling in a really long time. Two nights ago I even crawled into bed (pretty literally) and cried. That's not really the way I would like to live life, thanks though. Although the strange thing is, I haven't been sleeping very much because I find myself awake trying to make decisions. Rest.

2. I learned two very important things about the Christian faith down there. I mean, I always knew them but it hasn't been quite so blaring in awhile. The first - is that I hate when people treat people in less than loving ways all in the name of Christ. I get it, I'm guilty too. But please do not blatantly claim the love of Christ, His story, power, and redemption and then turn around and hurt others you claim to be loving. That makes me so sick I could throw up. The fact that we stab each other in the back, that our souls are that sick... The second - the power of God's people wholly pursuing His heart and devotedly loving a place, can change absolutely everything. And I truly mean everything. It is profound and speaks loudly and shines light into every dark corner and is powerful, beautiful, and wholly good. That is something I will always love about the church and pray we continue to become.

3. I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I believe in short term missions. Still formulating my thoughts here... I'll get back to you.

4. Joy is definitely a place within you. And when we are living in Christ, there is joy. No matter what the circumstances are. It's a gift He's freely given... just like His love, His peace, His life. And it is oh-so-good!

5. I ate gluten three times while I was in New Orleans and never got sick. The first: beignets from Cafe De Monde (can you really pass that up? No.) The second: a shrimp po-boy (how you really gonna turn a sweet lady down who offers you one in thanks for weeding her flower garden? you're not. instead. you eat the whole foot-long thing and smile widely.) The third: same lady. her birthday cake (really?!) So... I don't know what's going on. I've eaten some since I have been back and have felt weird a couple of times but haven't gotten violently ill. I will probably be making a trip to the doctor here soon. I think it's possible I either never had it, I was healed, or I was given grace for the moment to simply enjoy and be hospitable. I could be fine with any of the above. I'm just thankful the whole thing has taught me so much and will only continue too.

a place of joy

2010-07-28T01:07:00.005-04:00

There is a joy that comes alive in me in this place that I never experience anywhere else. Despite the fact that everytime I come my experience is drastically different in every way, and usually I am always tired while I'm here - joy. Despite that it is a place of incredible pain, of chaos, of confusion, of loss of hope - joy. Deep joy.

This week I have not stopped dancing and singing everywhere I go. Walking around the kitchen, making food, sitting in a chair, driving down the road, as I wash my face, while I shower. Everywhere. Singing. Dancing. When was I that person? I used to fear dancing like it was a snake ready to bite. Deep joy.

I woke up from a nap today just uncontrollably laughing. It lasted for at least half an hour. I could barely even stand up and walk straight. I would try to pull it together, only to lose it again. There was a consuming love washing over me, a love larger than myself, a light that ceased to be hidden within... Deep joy.

I loved it. I love it here.

But of course there's this thing that keeps saying... this is for you. it's not about a place. it's about your heart. it's about your heart as you walk through this earth and simply serve. Serve wherever I have you.

I hope and pray this joy isn't about a place, even though the place inspires it, that it becomes a place within my soul. A place that always exists. A place to always run too. A place to return. A place to abide. A place to be alive. A place to live out of. A place to share.

for now

2010-07-25T00:44:00.005-04:00

Welp. I started my quest to write a blog post 3 times a week only a week late. Then I did good for one week and then it was too hard. Whatever. Still going to try. The goal helps even if it may not translate into actual posts. Helps what? I dunno, my mind.

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I'm in New Orleans for the next week. Arrived late Thursday night. This is really the most significant amount of time I've spent since living here two summers ago. It's weird to be back. I can say with pretty good confidence that NOLA is doing well. Yes, still a lot of work to be done but the progress is unbelievable. It is incredibly encouraging to see. There are smiles now, and hope that hasn't been here before.

Being here so far has also brought up some familiar feelings and thoughts, along with some unexpected stuff to work through (go figure). Some of those being - community, jealousy of what's here, the longing to go and serve, what calling really means, working through pain and hurt that took place here...

It's also made me think a lot about Haiti - about what is possible there. About what our calling is there. It's made me think a lot about what is possible when the people of God love a place. I want to go there.

God has also been speaking to my heart a lot about how quick I am to speak without care of what words I choose or what power those words bring. This wasn't always the case, and it's been a slap in the face to realize the traps I've fallen into or chosen for myself. He's also been showing me how much I boast in myself, in my own doing, in my own accomplishments, and in comparison to others. And oh, how I complain.

Then there's that gentle reminder of, "love, I've placed people in your life who are watching you. who look up to you. who I've entrusted you with. come please. come to my cross again."

Isn't it gross to realize how much we disgrace the Gospel of Christ? That has been a hard one to stomach the last couple of days... but I continue to learn more about abounding grace. Not in using it as an excuse, but using it to grow and change and move past my flesh and into the Spirit.

That is all for now... will try to post some more thoughts from New Orleans as the week goes on.

Got Some Time?

2010-07-20T00:27:00.005-04:00

Some recent discoveries worth sharing...

The Riverside Worship Project.
I randomly discovered them while stalking someone on Facebook. It's true. From what I can tell they are a young band out of a church in Alabama. I'm not about to claim to be the best judge of actual quality of music... but the lyrics are incredibly beautiful in my opinion.
This Lady.
If you are from South Carolina or think Bill Cosby is hilarious - then you must watch this. I promise it is well worth the 7 minutes and 41 seconds of your life that I'm asking you to give up.
My name means honeybee.
Really, Melissa means honeybee. Secondly, Did you watch the video at the bottom? Can you believe the Burt's Bees guy really looks like that? Holy crap I wish he was my next door neighbor. Thirdly, isn't this honeybee phenom weird? I am really interested in learning more.
Lahash.
Everything I know about these people is from the website. But I like what I see!

Well, that's all for now.

Imaginary Worlds

2010-07-15T23:43:00.008-04:00

When I was a kid, we (the neighborhood kids, my brother, and I) made up an imaginary world we would go to sometimes. To get there you had to pass through the monkey grass that connected our front yard with our neighbors. We'd run through as fast as we could and before we got to the other side you had to close your eyes and yell "please, please" to enter on in. There we would ride seahorses through the ocean (which was actually a dry ditch) and explore the budding new creation, where there were tall trees and dinosaur bones. I think we fought bad creatures sometimes; but mostly we rode through the ocean on our sea horses, making up their names, their colors, and trying to decide whose was the fastest.

My dad also had a game he played with us called bang bang! He basically would just chase my brother and I through the house and sometimes we would hide in the corners to try and shoot him with toy guns when he would run by. It always ended with him bear trapping us in his legs. I remember it hurt so bad I would scream at the top of my lungs but I'd be in part hysterical squealing laughter due to sheer fun of running through the house in terrified joy.

On rainy days my brother and I would build giant forts in the living room. We'd collect all the blankets, cushions, and pillows and go about the construction. Once it was completed we'd become horses living in the barn. A tornado always came while we were eating our hay (dried lucky charms in a bowl) and we'd have to hide under the table. After the tornadoes came we usually stopped being horses and either would read books or play with flashlights. Usually we'd end up watching Disney movies and falling asleep inside our new home. Sometimes, if we were really lucky, my parents would let us keep it up for a couple of days - which usually sent us into shrieking shrills of excitement.

When I got to be a bit older my cousin, brother, and I made up a game called Teenage Punks. The premise was pretty simple - I (the cop) would hide five items throughout the house. The teenage punks (my cousin and brother) would run throughout the house trying to find the hidden objects. If they found them they then had to run back to their base with the object before I caught them and arrested them. If I arrested them I got to rehide the item and they had to go to jail for a certain number of seconds. The only catch was, the game only ended when those pesky teenage punks collected all five items and therefore won. Poor cop never caught the teenage punks for good. (How the hell did I get sucked into that one? Also, I'm pretty sure we stopped playing that one when I hid a stuffed animal inside a lamp and almost caught the house on fire. My aunt was really mad.)

Sometimes when I have nothing else to do, I find myself day dreaming of places I've never been. Sometimes they are specific; they have a longitude and a latitude; a culture; a people; a certain feel. And other times they don't. They are far off places I dream up. I create their smells, textures, and purpose. The heart beat of these far off lands lines up with something wild in my own...

And there's something about just that... about these imaginary worlds that calls to our wild hearts. There's a freedom there, a rawness. Something to be explored. Something to dare to want. A pursuit worth fighting for. A longing. An adventure to partake in. A way to set things straight, to make things right. To conquer, to overcome. A place that doesn't ache and can't hurt back. A place of utter abandon. A place to come alive. A place to dare to believe - in yourself, in others, in the pure goodness of it all. A place for the soul to dream, to want, to desire, to pursue, to fight, to let go, to soar... to simply be and know. To be a creative being in the creation of it all.

There's gotta be more

2010-07-14T22:43:00.004-04:00

I heard someone say recently that they felt like they were on a train that was speeding ahead and they just couldn't get off no matter how hard they tried.

For some reason the statement keeps popping back up in my mind...

It could be that my soul is just longing for a break. That going in 1,000 directions and feeling the burden of 1,000 people, 1,000 responsibilities is just doing some good 'ole wear and tear.

It could be that I'm just growing up. That the further I get into the real world, the more I am finding out how broken it is, how desperate it is of the hope we believe in. The more I find myself knee, neck, heart deep in the muck - the more I just want to scream STOP and watch creation come to a halt in a deep sigh relief. Even if it were only for a moment.

It could be that there's some truth there. That our society and human nature is just speeding up. It's stuck on this path and it's just flailing forward. There are a million different distractions but nothing to hold our gaze. And we're all trying to get ahead. We're all trying to claw our way towards something. We're all gasping for air. We're all looking for answers. We all desperately need rest.

I think at the end of the day, I just wanna get off the train. I want to not have to stare out the window and watch my life pass me by in one blink of a blur. Don't we all?

+++++

There's rest in Sabbath.

There's rest in hands held.

There's rest in adventure.

There's rest in serving others.

There's life in singing. in dancing.

There's life in listening.

There's life in hurting, together.

There's life in believing.

Grace is Enough

2010-07-12T22:36:00.007-04:00

Have you ever unintentionally done something that ends up causing a problem or creating a bad situation for someone? And then, because you helped create the situation you had to face the knock down drag out dirty mess of it all?

I found myself in that situation just yesterday. It's a long story but it basically boiled down to a bunch of bad communication that left about 26 teenagers without beds to sleep on. Uhh... oops?! No, it wasn't completely my fault, but I played a hand in it. I felt awful. I had nothing to say - "welp, sorry about that!" didn't really seem to cut it. I didn't know of a way to make it right. I couldn't do anything. And this youth pastor was angry to the point of tears, standing there demanding answers and an immediate solution. And everyone else was running around freaking out like a comet was about to hit earth. I froze.

To make matters worse, in my frozen, guilt-ridden, must run away or smoke a cigarette state - I didn't really take the blame. I let someone else take it. And I stood by as they dealt with the wrath, the uneasiness, the tears. I said nothing. I offered no solution. I didn't even offer an apology. I just stood there and watched the messiness all go down.

About an hour or so later I pulled into a McDonald's parking lot to wait for a call about a possible solution. And I sat there just feeling disgusting (and contemplated eating a big mac and fries to drown myself in sorrow and make myself feel even better). Not only was I partly to blame here, but I didn't even own up to making the mistake. I let someone else take the heat, the blame - I made someone else deal with it. I wanted to throw up. My mind started racing of all the ways I could make it right: I could apologize to both people; I could offer to just take care of the situation myself; I could even let some of the campers come to my house to sleep (right); I could do this or this or this. But the reality was, I couldn't do anything to suddenly make it better. There was no action I could take to reverse time, call the lady and say "hey, bring some air mattresses or sleeping pads. cool? yeah? ok. see ya." - crisis avoided. No. There was none of that. It had already happened. The damage had been done. It had all played out. No action of mine was going to make anything better. Even my possible solutions to the problem, weren't good enough.

The guy called me a few minutes later as I'm thinking about all of this to let me know the problem had been solved. That it would be fine, that everything had worked out. The youth pastor was no longer upset. It was all taken care of. He had solved the problem. This was the same guy I let take the blame. This was the same guy I let things fall apart on. This was the same guy that had to look the lady in the face and extend sincere apology to, while the girl who needed to be doing the talking stood behind a door and didn't do anything. So I just told him. I said, "look, this was partly my fault and I'm sorry. I'm sorry it happened and I'm sorry I didn't do anything about it." He just simply said, "It's ok" You know, the "it's ok" that you can hear that the person is smiling on the other end of the conversation, kind of thing. It's ok.

Grace. It hit me in the face like a ton of bricks.

I don't accept grace very well. Even after I had apologized and he had forgiven me, I still just couldn't stop thinking of something I could do to make it better. I still felt guilty. He had forgiven me, and I just couldn't handle it. Damn it, I had done something wrong and I needed to pay the price. The blame needed to be on me. I needed to make atonement. I needed... no. No. Grace. I needed grace. It was the only thing left I could actually do - accept it. To grab grace by the hand and invite it in to this messy, cold, dirty heart of mine.

But even then it was a battle. Maybe this is partly due to my Catholic upbringing... but I just continually have my hands up in hesitation towards the Lord's grace. I just want to be able to do something in my power to get what I do and don't deserve. I want to be able to control it. I want to be able to take responsibility. I just want to be able to freaking do something - I'm a doer people! That's far more tangible. Here's my list. Here's the things I've done. Here's what makes me a good person. Here's all the things I've done right. If something's gone wrong I'm the only one to blame, I gotta take the heat. Where's the heat, just give it to me! No, it's mine!

Driving down the road toward the mountains I just heard that gentle whisper yet again... will you accept my grace now? do you understand it a little better child? do you understand now that it's free? you can't do anything. you don't deserve it. you deserve the beating. you deserve the wrath. but I love you too much for that. I love you, so my Son took your place. I just love you. you don't have to do anything. even if you could do something, I don't want you too. just be mine. just take my hand. just let me in. just let go of the control. stop squirmin around and just let my grace wash over you. it's for you. it's yours. you can't escape it. there's no room for anything else in your heart, you just need my grace and i've already given it.

It's a hard thing to just open your hands up to freely receive something you don't deserve. I don't get it. I'm probably never going too. Maybe it will always be a battle. But gosh I need it. This soul desperately needs every ounce of grace it can get. And so I am thankful we serve a God who continues to drown us in it. Over and over again, time after time... while He just smiles adoringly at us.

He is really good. Really really good.

An Offer

2010-06-27T23:57:00.002-04:00

When I was in high school I fell in love with writing. Besides running, it is probably one of the only things I have ever felt good at. I love it.

Now don't get me wrong - I know I can botch the spelling of a word in a heartbeat and no one has ever been best friends with the run on sentence more than this little gal. Not to mention I am the queen of too many commas and sentence fractures. And yes, I know it's true - I'm long winded. Deal with it. I also don't really pay attention to grammar (the truth is I don't think I care enough about that aspect of it - eh!) I know compared to many many others I don't possess a particularly great skill or mastering of words and story telling and eloquent phrasings. However, writing connects me to something else - to my soul, to God, to truth - and that is how I think you know you love something... when it doesn't matter if you are actually good at a particular thing, but it connects you to yourself and to the greater story going on. So yes, I write for the love of it.

The only problem is, like most things we love, I don't do it enough. I tell myself I'm going too. I set aside time too. I make lists of things to write about. I read things other people write about and think ya know, I have some thoughts on that I'd like to share. When push comes to shove though, I don't do it. I make excuses. I fall asleep. I put it at the end of the to-do list. I devalue my thoughts and think they're unimportant.

The other problem is I feel like I get into major ruts. I go back and read some of the things I write and I feel like I'm saying the same thing over and over again. I also tend to only write when I'm on top of the world or down in the pits. And this isn't just a problem in my writing, it happens in my thoughts too. Dang, do I get stuck in the same old, same old routine of thinking about the same things especially when things are going really well or really poorly. I've been thinking lately that I want to stretch past that. I want to read other people's writings and say, you know, I have thoughts on that and I'm actually going to share it gosh darn it! I'm interested to see what I have to say if I really push myself past the lies and the laziness.

So I've dedicated the month of July to a fun, new, little adventure! In order to challenge myself to write more and write about a variety of different things... I'd like to try something new!

Starting on Monday, July 5th - I'd like to try to write a blog post three times a week. I've begun a list over the past couple of weeks of some things to think through, write about, and then share. Here's the catch - I want YOUR help! I would LOVE your suggestions of things you'd like me to write about! So leave me a comment, shoot me an email or text, heck even speak real words to me and let me know what you'd like me to share with the world! I can't promise I'll tackle them all, but I would love your oh-so-creative suggestions!

Thanks and I'm excited to see how this turns out!

Remember that time I got REALLY angry

2010-06-14T22:46:00.002-04:00

Life since the beginning of May has been a lot more tiring, restless, and difficult than I had expected for it to be. In my mind the coming of May meant a much needed break and period of rest from going, going, going and pouring, pouring, pouring. I also expected for it to be a time of leading, a time of direction, a time of God guiding towards whatever is next.

Instead, I started another "part-time" job - and by that I mean it could easily be full time. Add that to the already "part-time, could be more than that" job I already have. Plus more people moving away (yep, that one just keeps making the wound a little more raw). Plus coming to probably one of the most frustrating points I've ever experienced with the Lord after seeking direction, praying every prayer I could think to pray that related (that's not an exaggeration), hearing silence, and then getting down right angry at Him. So much so, that I told Him we were done talking for awhile. Heck, if He didn't have anything to say, I sure as hell didn't either. Oh boy, was I angry. My response to things/people/situations is not usually to get violently livid and walk around in a ball of "if you so much as look at me I'm going to rip your head off" state. But oh my friends, that's where I was. I never knew there could be so much anger and frustration built up in this little flesh dwelling of mine - but oh, was it much!

So much for rest and refreshment.

A couple of weeks ago, my wise friend Monica suggested that because of my frustration and anger with the Lord about His lack of response to my PRESSING NEED (that was sarcasm) that I fast. So I did. Each day I got up, drank a small smoothie and didn't touch food or drink (besides water) until dinner time. That may not sound like that big of a deal - but listen, I eat a lot and the middle of the day is the hardest time for me to go without food. So I fasted to hear again. To feel communion with Him again. For something to just freakin give, for the love. After the first day there was only more frustration, more anger, more weeping. (I was ready to throw down.) A few more days went by and I could tell something was stirring but there were still no words. No words to say. No words to hear. Just sitting... and waiting.

Waiting. Damn, I don't do this waiting thing very well. But "wait" was all I kept getting. So more fasting. More waiting. More twiddling of the fingers. More weary-soul-ness. More trying not to project anger at people, especially those who were undeserving of it (which is uh, everyone!)

And then we arrive at Saturday, same week the fasting began just about five days later in the game. I jumped in the car Saturday morning with two girls from my family group to go visit another family group girl who is working at a summer camp. We spent the day outside in the mountains just catching up, meeting camp friends, and playing some. The whole day I heard the gentle whisper... I'm not done with you. I haven't forgotten you. My promises to you are still true. I still care about you. But I wasn't having it... I just kept dismissing it - nope, that's not real. nope, don't trust you. nope, you're lying. nope, i'm making this stuff up in my head just because i want to be out of this season. nope, nope, nope. So then we sat down at dinner (to, you know, break the fast!) and out of the blue my friend Mackenzie says, "you know what I really love?" "what's that?" "the way God uses a rainbow in the Bible to speak his promise to his people." "yeah, i love that too!" so we have a small conversation about rainbows, of all things. we talk about how it's cool that God even still uses them today, if nothing else just as a simple reminder that He is still here amidst it all.

Pause. Ok, you'd think I would have gotten the message loud and clear here. False. Unpause.

So we go back to camp, say goodbye to our friend, jump back in the car and head through the mountains toward Clemson. We eventually stopped at an overlook we had seen on the way up, just to get a quick glance! When we got out of the car, I ran up to the wooden fence and saw half of a rainbow peering through the clouds. My squeal and total freak out to get everyone else to see it, about gave my friend Jessie a heart attack. For real. But wait, it gets better. We get back in the car, headed straight for the rainbow, when we came to an opening in the mountains and could literally see from one end of the rainbow to the other. The entire rainbow, every color burning brightly - red, orange, yellow, green, blue... even the deepest purple. The arch stretching from one side of the mountains to the other. We eventually even drove under the arch of the rainbow, literally. Like at one moment I was looking at it dead on, the next my head was completely up, and the next I was having to turn around to see it. In all, we figured out we stared straight at the entire rainbow for at least 20 minutes. And my friend Mackenzie, who God Bless her, has listened to my heart ache for the past month said, "Melissa, I think that was for you."

My heart burst. It was indeed for me. God's promise. That I am not forgotten. That I can trust Him. That He is working things out for my good. That His promises are always true. That He has forgiven me, yes me, even in my deepest anger and sin.

There are parts of me that wish I could say that since then God has made it clear as to what is next. I wish I could say "I'm moving to ________, in the month of ________, to do __________." And oh, I know it's never that easy. I wish could say that since that Saturday my heart was more at peace with being here during this season - at times it is but it's mostly not. Each day I have to fight for the patience and the grace to just keep waiting.

But there is a peace. There is a communion again. There is a knowledge that this is all for good and the future is good.

As my friend Rachel likes to remind me... there's something that's been growing in me this past year that's never been there before. It is quiet. But it is sure and it is good. And pretty soon, I'll look back and be astounded.

So until then, especially when I want to gouge my eyes out at work or cry because I have nothing to do on a Friday night... I will just keep waiting, seeking, practicing being present and living with joy, and of course... looking for rainbows.

wanderings of heaven

2010-04-22T21:39:00.004-04:00

On nights much like tonight, the clock ticks to an hour later than I should be up... and I find my mind just wandering and dreaming away about heaven. Long after the voices are silenced for the day and the world is stilled, my heart has moments every now and then where it feels the freedom and the security to just dream wildly and recklessly.

And so... Heaven. I know that may seem silly. We've never been there... what's to think about? What's to even talk about?

The thing is, I'm becoming more and more convinced we better make this little thing called heaven... a pretty big thing, for in it we will experience the fullness of all God's promise for His children. It is after all what we long for. It is the place we hope for. It is the only place where we will be fully alive, fully complete, fully able to dwell... forever. And may I just say, I want that.

Don't get me wrong, I fully understand Jesus is at the very center of all of heaven. I understand He is the only one who completes me, He is the only one that satisfies the longing, He is the only one that makes the forever dwelling even a possibility. That very much is the heart of the conversation, it is even more so the conversation the Father is most concerned about, and the very thing the Holy Spirit constantly points us towards... but heaven. Gosh, we are promised something good in heaven.

I don't even think we know what we have coming...

When I dream about it, it looks different every time. Some days we sing and sing and sing to the King. Others we run up mountains and play in rivers and soar through the air without ever tiring. And then there are days where we simply sit and hear stories. Stories of when we were healed and fought for. Stories about how we laughed so hard we couldn't breathe, and stories about jumping off cliffs into waterfalls. Stories about when we were scared and when we cried. Stories about heartbreak and devastation. Stories about celebrating and creating and crafting. Stories about sharing life with one another, stories about the body being lived out. And those stories... they will sound so familiar because they'll be about us but there will be another part to the story we've never heard before. Suddenly it will all make so much sense our only response will be to sit in awe or run around and fist pump. Other times I imagine colors I've never seen before and sounds I've never heard, but they are so sweet and rich they would make you cry. And sometimes, I think we'll just sit in the presence of the trinity (wrap your mind around that one) and we'll be fully engulfed by it... and talk about the reunions of hearts and places, the redemption of lives and brokenness, the culmination of all things good which He alone has done.

I just want heaven.

In fact I am becoming increasingly convinced that Heaven will be that very thing that seems to be on the tip of our tongues in every conversation. It is that thing that seems just beyond the horizon, if only our eyes could see just a bit further. It is that thing we feel as our hearts swell after a day full of much love, laughter, tears, and soul connection with those around us. It is that thing that calls to us in our wildly bare moments, if only we were able to listen with a bit more strength. It is that thing we know is right when we lay in our beds after a hard day of work. It is that thing that wells up inside of us when we see something heartbreaking, something beautiful. We see it, feel it, touch it, hear it, taste it all the time.

But I don't think it can stop there. The wild dreaming should and will continue. But the glimpses of heaven I see every single day as I walk this earth - fighting the evil one and trusting in the Holy One - I can want it, long for it, hope for it, sit and wait until the day I die so I can be in it...

but with every bit of honesty and sincerity in me, I hope my heart is obsessed with bringing others with me.

So we can sing and sing and sing worship to the King with every single created being whose heart He has won. And then we'll play basketball and run up mountains and swim in rivers. And then we'll sing some more. And then we can lie in the grass and listen to His voice more clearly than ever before. And He'll tell and share those stories and we'll laugh and we'll cry. And then we'll marvel at hour healed and perfect beings. And we'll sing worship some more. And then we'll eat a feast at the giant banquet table, with all our favorite foods. And then we'll fly through the air with nothing but ourselves, all while seeing things our minds can't even compose. And then we'll rest awhile and sing worship some more... and it will go on and on and on, as one. Forever.

a draft of sorts

2010-04-15T00:23:00.008-04:00

If this world were to be caught in snapshots,

momentary glimpses

into this life or that

I don't think we'd see children playing on merry go rounds

or mamas too busy to listen.

I don't think we'd see the twigs budding bright green

or the pool of blood gathered round bodies.

I don't think we'd see the detail of fingers playing in sand

or the lack of relationship as strangers pass on by.

I don't think we'd see the joy of the runner as he crosses the line

or the pain of the Haitians who have nowhere to go.

I think we would see just one single thread,

be it rough or smooth.

One single thread.

That goes through the children and the mamas and the twigs

and into the blood and the sand.

It stops for a gaze into the stranger's eye

and winds right across the finish line,

to gather together the Haitians again.

One single thread

which screams Gospel.

Gospel joy. Gospel peace. Gospel love.

By just one stitch

the world is at rest

in just one single thread.

Living Easter

2010-04-05T09:39:00.005-04:00

Yesterday at church we celebrated the resurrection of Christ by singing songs about His blood washing us clean, and songs about rising and singing. KT really "brought it home" (as any good Christian would say, right?) talking through the importance of both the death and resurrection, how we need them both, and then challenging us to think through what it really means to believe in the death and resurrection of Christ and not just stay in the tomb.

I mean really. The death of a bloody guy I've never personally met face to face. And then they shoved Him in a tomb and He... rose? Rose from the dead? From death? Really? Right, okay. I can base my entire life on that.

Let me tell you, at the time... yesterday morning at about this time actually... I was all into it. I was full of excitement with the fact that on this day I remember my sins have been taken care of and I am FREE. Indeed, FREE FROM ALL. I was ready to dance. I was excited to praise, to pray, to partake in communion. I listened, wrote myself notes, and nodded my head in agreement. And after hearing the words "Do not be afraid" I passed the peace, one to another, a gift given.

And Oh... KT warned us, he did. He warned us that the second we walked out that door it would get hard again.

Has it ever.

It is hard to live Easter. To believe it for the other 364 days of the year. To believe it even on the evening of Easter day when I find myself in tears. To believe it when those I live with do not understand it's freeing power. To believe it when I see relationships in limbo. To believe it when I am lonely. To believe it when I am confused about why I am here. To believe it when the lies swarm (despite the stomping). To believe it when the world seems to swirl and there is no obvious path to take. To believe it when I give and give and give and give and give and give and give, and receive? To believe it when the words freedom, joy, and beauty (my life words after all) feel like nothing but a far-off dream. To believe it when I see people giving it up, for only a moment's worth of immediate satisfaction. To believe it when my sin, my selfishness, my pride would rather stubbornly just sit here awhile.

"Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song!" - John Paul II

The Easter people. That requires me to live it the other 364 days of the year. To keep getting out of the tomb. To keep killing lies. To keep fighting for friendships, for hearts, for dreams, for truth.

To believe each day that the bloody guy I've never met face to face... I've met Him in each prayer, in silent passing, in words that free, in each and every longing. And in some mysterious yet beautiful way His blood really does wash me clean once and for all.

To believe that He was put in the tomb and then rose from death, conquering it with one final blow. So that the lies of the prowling evil one hold no power and mean nothing. Yes satan, He really DID do that.

To base my entire life around it. To abandon the depths of despair personally, relationally, even worldly - and sing the hallelujah song louder and louder and louder.

Good Friday

2010-04-02T23:27:00.002-04:00

As much as today is dark, horrible, heavy, and heartbreaking... It is good, isn't it? And beautiful?

As my eyes swell with tears yet again today, I don't have a lot to say or reflect on... except for that I am incredibly thankful and looking forward to much celebration!

Let us sleep well in darkness tonight, for a light is coming!

Holy Week - Maundy Thursday

2010-04-01T17:42:00.003-04:00

This season of Lent has been a particularly strange one. And to be honest, it has been more so that I have probably run from all that Lent is because I'm afraid of what the Lord may have to say. Sure I could have chosen to believe I'm worthy, to believe I am a creative being... but I just couldn't. It just seemed like too much. I don't love that, but it is the reality of where I was around 40 days ago. So because I haven't actively chosen to engage in Lent, my heart hasn't exactly connected with it.

Today however, I was eating lunch with a girl who has quickly become a dear friend over the last year. We were talking about some different things about gifts and healing and sin. I found myself staring down at my food and just playing in it. All I could think about was the fact that I wasn't hungry, despite having nothing to eat all day. I just didn't want to eat (and I usually love to eat!) Even if the best cake had been sitting in front of me, I don't think I would have wanted to eat it. When I thought about why, I realized that it just isn't satisfying. No food is lasting. Even if it tastes good it doesn't last very long. I just need to consume more of it only hours later. And no food satisfies the longings my heart cry for. There's something gross about continual consumption. There's something that points to the rawness of my humanity in the fact that I need food to live. There's just something so empty in it all... it just doesn't lead anywhere.

And then the weight of sin consumed me. Not in a heavy, guilt-ridden type of way but in the way of... wow, my sin is continual and disgusting; and the sin in this world is overwhelmingly huge, consuming, and raw. This condition of sin that rules my life, in the same way my need for food does. This sin that isn't even just things I can't do right, but this sin that speaks to the deepest, dirtiest, ugliest parts of my heart. My selfishness that causes me to retreat, to wound, to hide. My fear that causes me to remain silent, to not trust or act. My sin is continual, it is present in every conversation I have. It is present in every soul I come into contact with. It is present in my longings. It is present when I wake up in the morning... and I'm confronted with it even while I sleep.

So I take great relief today as we journey towards the cross... it is the only thing that can ever bring hope and peace and full satisfaction.

Holy Week - Monday

2010-03-29T14:23:00.003-04:00

The last week or so has made me really thankful for the simple things in life. I'm appreciative that all things point to our King - even in a freakin-mad chaotic world, there is comfort in all things being made new through even the smallest of things.

- music that makes you listen a little closer and in doing so brings you closer to the heart of God.
- the sweet tears of friends. I treasure them.
- stompin on the lies of the devil. no really, very literally - stomping through dancing.
- basketball. the reminder of greater glory, agony and defeat, victory of the underdog.
- the act of the earth budding, becoming green, and warming before our eyes.

So here's to Monday, even if it's gray outside or in your soul... may you remember this is a week of much hope in the midst of death.

Peace.

40 Days, and then some

2010-03-22T21:27:00.011-04:00

I have a confession - I am in a dry spot.

I wouldn't necessarily say that this is a bad thing... but I think Lent has led me to recognize the bleakness I find myself in recently. It's as if there is little variation or color to the landscape around me. I feel like the Israelites wandering around in the desert, not really sure where I'm going. There's nothing but just flat dry land, for miles and miles and miles. There is just the day to day, driving here and there, having coffee with so and so, attending meetings, coming home with hopes to talk that usually result in sitting in front of the TV.

I'm a little bored with life. But just like with the Israelites, God must be talking, right? He must be leading... but am I listening?

I am trying. In the rhythms that sometimes feel more like they are as natural as breathing - I feel unnoticed. But I am trying to listen ever so closely... Unfortunately, lately the listening has only resulted in more questions.

Is this really all there is in this life? Weren't we made for a better story than this?

God, I just want to be about you... to serve you, to desire you, to tell your story. The only problem is that in doing so, I seem to be forgetting what service looks like, what desire feels like, and what your story sounds like. I feel it, don't You? Like a widening gap as the room grows strangely bigger, the sounds start to muffle, and all I see are white walls. Are you over there in the corner or is that just my mind playing tricks on me?

As water rushed by me and a waterfall roared behind me, I found myself standing at the edge of a river the other day thinking about these things... maybe not necessarily able to put such definition to it, but feeling the black hole of swirling question marks consuming me. As I did so, friends ran around me playing in the water under the warming spring sun, exploring with full senses everything about where we were, laughing with wide eyes and moving so graceful it was like dancing at the greatest of weddings. I sat down on a rock. I sat fearful. I sat bored. I sat wondering.

No one but Brandon Loy ever tells you that your first year out of college is hard, damn hard. But despite the difficulty of waiting and figuring out whatever the heck all of this is around me - I am beginning to learn something. No adventure ever just wanders up and taps someone on the shoulder and shoves them into the water. If we look closely, we are invited into it but I have to get my freaking butt of the rock and go in search of in order to be swept up by it.

I know what I long for is not a desert but an adventure. That is, after all what we were made for. To lose ourselves in serving, to desire our King and Lover, to know the story so deeply it just flows out like a river...

I don't know what all of this will bring me... but being able to honestly recognize and admit that I'm not satisfied has to be a good start. I have had some very serious thoughts and prayers lately about taking a huge step... of selling everything and going to Haiti, or going on the World Race, or joining Americorp, or finding a farm to move too. And maybe the Lord will continue to say no, wait Child, keep being and doing here. And if so, I guess that's ok too. But there is one thing I do know... whatever adventure I choose, I no longer want to be tired of this life. There is too much good in it and too little time for that mess.

Oh Dear!

2010-02-26T15:50:00.004-05:00

I spent about three days this week in bed due to some flu-like sickness. Blah, glad that is over and that I can actually leave the house and interact with people! But during that time I composed some short letters in my head that I thought I would share.

Dear gluten,
Turns out for years you've been causing me a lot of problems. And now that I've stopped eating you all of that has gone away. While you tempt me with every piece of bread, pasta, pizza, pita, cake, brownie I come across - I will not eat you and I hope you rot away to nothing. I will not let you control my life any longer. See yaaaa sucka!
With all my hatred,
Melissa

Dear ingles peanut butter,

I would just like you to know that you have saved my life over the last month. Your freshness and goodness is the only thing getting me through this gluten-free diet. If it weren't for you, I would still be crumpled in a ball crying. You're a savior, really. Be mine forever? I promise to only continue to eat you by the spoon full very often.

Love,

Melissa

Dear church job,
Turns out when I'm sick, ministry doesn't stop. Hmm... It's not that I mind 6,000 questions about whether a building can be used, or planning events, or any of that stuff - but I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that you don't stop when I need to. We'll have to keep talking about that.
Love,
Melissa

Dear life,
Do you think you could point me in a direction? And when you do be clear about it?
Thanks,
Melissa

Dear self,
Rest more often so that you don't get sick and everything in life has to come to a screeching halt. You don't run well on two straight months of non-stop going going going. Do you think you could finally learn this so you don't have this winter/spring crash once a year? Love yourself a little better than that.
-Me

Hey look, it's ME!

2010-02-08T10:33:00.011-05:00

I don't really know how or why I came to this conclusion, but I started thinking the other day about how many of my friends I look like - it is almost ridiculous. Now don't get me wrong, I have plenty of friends who are tall or who have red hair or who I look absolutely nothing like, but just roll with me here okay? Because I really almost feel like there is this underlying thought in my head to really desire friendship with a person, when I first see them and notice they have similar features as I do... dark curly hair, short stature, similar facial features, the like. I can't even tell you how often, while standing with many different friends, someone asks me "are you sisters?"

Don't believe me? Well here are just three examples:

Maybe it's just me... but really?! Are you kidding me?

Overflow

2010-01-30T15:36:00.004-05:00

Man, despite the fact that I tend to be an all in or an all out kind of girl, it seems my heart has been in a state of overflow this past week. An overflow in all different directions...

super sad about mini-mass exodus 3 that is about to take place. My soul is becoming weary in that sense. It's hard to live here when that is the constant flow of things. My heart seems to hold on too tightly to people to live in such a transitory place. Hmm... don't want that forever and of course it raises questions for my own life as well.

at the same time, so excited for those leaving. I really believe good things are in store for these friends and all of it is definitely of the Lord. That, can only produce joy and hope.

rejoicing over a dear friend finding herself in the midst of a sudden and stunningly beautiful walk with the Lord. Her heart is bursting forth with love and joy and truth. There is a boldness to pray and offer wisdom and be confident of who she is these days. I could cry it's so wonderful. And yes Mackenzie, I'm talking about you...

realizing the darkness, hurt, and loneliness in the hearts of those I love also brings me to tears, this time of sadness. There are so many precious souls to love and I can't possibly do it on my own or even have the energy to begin sometimes. That is hard. Thank God I'm not really the one doing the loving, huh?

and then there's the heart flutter. What do I even do with that!? God does pursue doesn't He?

and then there's rejoicing of all that is being done in our church... that grace and love filled place. Our Father has and is really providing, leading, and changing our hearts to more and more passionately follow him. I love that place, and oh wait, I work there? Blessing.

and there's LOST starting in 3 days.

and there's sharing stories in family group, which requires remembering my own. A moment for all of us to pause and remember seeing His faithfulness.

Overflow, especially of the unexpected? Yes please, more!

Some Tidbits...

2010-01-22T00:18:00.004-05:00

I don't know why I find myself wanting to update my blog late at night. That feels nerdy.

I can not wait for LOST season 6 to begin in less than 2 weeks... potentially double nerdy (but in a good way, right?)

I'm discovering that there are times that I would rather hang out with my cat than people. i'm actually a little obsessed with him. it's official. nerd.

In trying to stick with the words of the year and be disciplined, especially with my time, I have been praying a lot that I wouldn't just sleep half the morning away. In becoming more of a morning person the hope was for more productive and purposeful days - really living, ya know? So what should I have thought when 3 of the 5 girls I meet with told me they could only meet this semester before 8 AM? What, are you kidding me? You're a funny one God, hilarious even. If anyone doubts God has a sense of humor... It has been really good though, so I am thankful - everything about my life is being redefined right now, in the best way imaginable! (and clearly tomorrow is NOT one of those mornings!)

There are a couple of people that live off of Micasa in Pendleton and I love them, dearly. They are quickly becoming more and more dear to my heart each day. I feel alive and loved there in ways I haven't in awhile. So grateful for precious people.

I'm becoming increasingly convinced that something powerful is not only happening in Haiti (that goes without saying) but that something powerful is being birthed out of it. The more and more I pray and talk about it with others, the more and more I believe that this thing is about to change a lot of people's lives (understatement of the century).

My little brother left about a week ago to study in Spain for the semester. I miss him. BUT super pumped that he gets to be there!

I had the best chicken of my life yesterday. 4 chicken breasts smothered in taco seasoning + 1/2 jar of peach perserves + 3/4 jar of salsa all cooked and simmered together = sounds really weird but could potentially change the way you think about chicken forever. forever people. forever.

United Pursuit Band. Listen to them. Now.

Just Call Me Master Chef, ok?

2010-01-12T15:21:00.006-05:00

I must tell you, I think I have a new love. a new passion. a new excitement for something.

I really love to cook.

Now this has not always been the case. Despite growing up in a family where we had more cooked meals each night, than not - the older and older I got the more and more intimidated I was by the thought of anything having to do with a kitchen and doing anything in it. I was really afraid of messing up and for some reason of getting yelled at because of it. When I went to college I don't think I even knew how to cut a tomato, seriously. The one thing I could do (outside of build a sandwhich) was make a bowl of pasta and put some canned sauce on it. How delicious.

However, the Lord is funny and even outside of cooking, He has been teaching me that my heart lives in a place of intimidation and fear more often than not. My soul seems to be weary of most things new or uneasy or things I don't know how to do. There is a paralyzing, collapsing, must run away now! type of fear that comes over me... and the ironic thing is that this happens most often when it comes to things I really want to do or know how to do. Let's name a few, shall we? cooking. dancing. being creative (in any way really). outdoor sports - such as rock climbing and kayaking. etc.

for the freakin love.

Today I made a mean pot of soup. I mean, it will kick you in the face and have you crawling back for more... it's that good. But as I was making it (took about two hours) I was starting to think about how it is funny how much I really do enjoy being in the kitchen. God has had a funny way over the past few years of putting people in my life who love and know how to do all of these things I long to do but sit in fear at the very thought of actually attempting them. And now, because of some of those people and just spending time doing it... I love to make bread, soups, desserts, and meals (of all types really). And if I can share it with you at the end of the day - even better!

And then I recalled a conversation with a friend last night (about something unrelated to cooking) ... and her words spoke deeply to me - "You really are good at things that you seem to be really fearful of. Once you let go of the fear, you are really natural and good at them."

Damnit. Don't you love when all the seemingly solitary trains on their own tracks run into each other? You caught me. I was scared to even try to cook. And now I love it (and am pretty good at it if I do say so myself!) all it took is telling fear to get lost.

So who's coming over for dinner? Afterwards, we'll give fear a big kick in the face and we'll dance some... well maybe!

Words of the Year

2010-01-06T14:01:00.001-05:00

I’ve never been one to be crazy about the New Year. All the talk of starting over with a clean slate, making resolutions and the like have never really stirred something deep within my soul. I didn’t really grow up in a family that placed a high value on such things. January 1st was always just a day like most others, perhaps with a little more football and some collard greens ; but hopes for the New Year… there’s maybe a little bit too much at stake there for such things like hopes and dreams to be spoken of. That could be scary – for what if we fail?

But my friends, I try. This year the idea of a clean slate, a fresh start, a do-over is something I want and welcome with arms wide open.

You see, 2009 was not a year like most others. (To be fair it extends farther back in time than 2009, but nonetheless) The more I reflect the more I have been a little surprised at discovering that 2009 was indeed a difficult one and I have the bruises and scars to prove it. While it was filled with much grace and a lot of learning, and maybe even some dancing – 2009 was a long, winding, questioning, broken, quiet year. While I try to be thankful for all that I am given, I am not sad to see you go ’09. For you will forever bring up memories of loss, of loneliness, of disappointment, of confusion, of bankruptcy, and of fear. Much much deep and dark fear. Fear that God is not good. Fear that dreams will never flourish. Fear that nothing will ever be good enough. Fear that my heart could never really change, much less this broken world. Fear that is just too much. I am a dreamer after all, a dreamer for what is good, and 2009 has caused parts of me to just go numb. The slow grind, hard miles, and general wear and tear have done a number on this soul. There are definitely some highlights to point at, there seem to be more mile markers that scream at something terrifying or disappointing or gut-wrenching to have to let go of.

But 2010, oh twenty-ten, you hold much promise and I am so glad to see you.

I’ve (clearly) never been one much for the whole “Word of the Year” trend that some others I know are so fond of. In the past I have never really been able to engage with it but around December 26th my soul started to wander over that way. My heart started to say what if this year was different than the rest? Our loving Father started to remind me that with Him not only is this year different, but in fact with Him each day, each moment, each solitary breath is actually quite new and full of much promise, of much grace, of much joy and dreaming. And so there have been a couple of words that have been speaking pretty loudly and have been stinking around in this head and heart of mine. The Lord has been redefining some things in my heart and whispering promises of building a new relationship in Him.
So my two words for year (because I can never keep things simple can I?) are…

Trust – Over the past year my trust in our God and Savior has dwindled down to that of a small droplet. Trust is not something I have had much of. Trust that the Lord will take care of others, speak to others, direct the paths of others, bless others with good gifts and the desires of their hearts – yes, absolutely. But trust that the Lord would do those things for me… how could I do such a thing! There has been very little trust between us, and that my friends, will break any relationship, much less your relationship with the One who created you. But oh I want to trust! I want to trust in His love again. I do not want to sit in my dark and quiet room and pine away and pray for things, but not trust the Father of blessings, promises, and richness of life. It is my hope instead to wake each morning trusting the Lord with my soul, with my fears, with my hopes, with my struggles, with my friendships, with my heart. For this coming year promises to be just as difficult as the last with decisions looming and the hard work of being present in this place, as well as obediently following His leadings for a place elsewhere.

and

Discipline – The other thing my life has lacked much of is discipline. Oh discipline, for someone who loves structure and a schedule as much as I do you would think it would be easy for me to be disciplined in important things… reading scripture, prayer, getting good rest, connecting with my heart, using my free time wisely, taking care of my body with the things I put into it and the ways I work it. But no, I must come clean and say that I do none of this well… on a given day I may intend to do all of these things, but when push comes to shove it just doesn’t get done. Actually doing them falls into the abyss never to return! While I long for them to help make my life rich and provide some order from the day to day madness of meeting with others and planning church events, when it comes down to it – I have been lazy. So what does this look like? Well, it begins with actually getting up each morning and not sleeping the day away, no matter how dark and cold the world and my heart may seem the moment my eyes pop open. I have also decided to do the whole read the Bible in a year thing. While in the past I have been wear of such a lofty goal, I am now in a place of recognizing this could be a good practice for me. With reading each day, comes knowing His Word, being in it, living in it, breathing it in deeply. Then comes prayer to follow. I also am committing to writing each day – not necessarily here – but writing speaks to my heart and allows me a little bit of creativity and peace. So write, I will! As for the rest… I haven’t quite figured it out, but my hope is not to schedule and box my life away into segments, but more to be disciplined in my pursuit of the Lord in order that His pursuit of me may become more evident. And hopefully, this will cultivate trust as well – they go hand in hand.

So I pray for you and for myself, that in the year two-thousand and ten, that we would fully trust the Father who loves us more than any other could. May we trust that He is good and that in His love, we have nothing to fear. For in perfect love, there is no room for fear – of this I am reminded often. And may we be disciplined in seeking His face in a world that tries desperately to hide Him but simply cannot.

A Place

2009-12-08T01:25:00.003-05:00

Last May I decided not to walk at my graduation from Clemson University. My reasons ranged from not wanting to sit through a 3+ hour ceremony to rather having a celebration with friends and family to really just not understanding the importance of it. Since then I have wondered at whether I regret that decision or not. (And yes, one could argue that the fact that I'm even wondering points to the possibility that I do indeed regret not walking). While the verdict's still out on whether or not I regret the decision - I have over the past six months questioned if there was something I was possibly avoiding there or if there was something I just wasn't ready to come to terms with yet. More than determining whether it was a good decision or not, it is done now. The bigger question seems to be why my heart responded that way... and honestly, this is something I'm still working through.

Due to financial constraints on my family around the same time as graduation, I also did not receive a graduation present from my family. So the whole thing kind of happened without a bang. One day I was a college student, the next I wasn't, whatever. I did however receive a promise from my sweet parents that one day they would buy me a Clemson class ring when the funds were available. Now I know that to most people who know me that may come as a surprise that I would even want a Clemson ring. (Besides the fact that I don't wear much jewelry...) I don't think it's a shock to anyone who knows me to hear that Clemson was not an easy place for me. I know I've said it here many times - college was a long, hard battle with a lot of parts that I simply did not enjoy. In fact, there were many times that I tried in numerous ways to get out of Clemson and go somewhere else. And to be honest, it surprised me as well when I found myself wanting a seemingly silly ring from a place I had such a deep struggle and love-hate relationship with. A place that has been extremely difficult and that in some ways is hard for me to be in even now.

The day came a few months ago when my parents handed me the check to go order the ring. So I went down to the bookstore and filled out the form. I came to the line where you're supposed to write down what you want engraved on the inside of the ring. I thought for a moment and remembered John 21:25 -

Now there are many other things Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.

It's been a favorite verse throughout my time in college so it felt appropriate. It has always been a verse that has spoken in wild and exciting ways to my heart, even in ways I can't fully put words or thoughts too. I can't even fully put my finger on why this verse stands out so much to me - it simply has always just hit me. I don't know how to explain it any more than that. So I just wrote down "Jn 21:25" in the blank.

Ten weeks. That's what the guy told me when I turned in the form. Almost robot like, "ten weeks to get ring. come in mail. bah. i'm a robot."

Okay.

So for ten weeks, much to my surprise, I thought about why I wrote that verse down in that blank on that white slip of paper. It seemed a little random... what was I going to tell people when they asked me why I wrote that down? Why not your initials? Why not your major? "Err... it's my favorite?!" What would happen when they asked what that verse even was or went home and looked it up themselves? Really, she picked that... that's so random... something about books filling the earth and Jesus doing a lot of stuff? Why not just pick like John 3:16 if you're really going to engrave the inside of your college ring with a bible verse? That girl is interesting.

It just wasn't settling right.

Then it hit me and stopped me dead in my tracks. In my time at Clemson, as difficult as it was... I learned a lot about the story God is telling in His world, and beyond that I learned that I am a part of that story. There are many other things Jesus did, and I am included in that. I am one of those stories being written. I am one of those stories that's overflowing in the world and God cares deeply about my story. Clemson is and always will be a significant part of that story - a part of my story, a part of God's story - and I want to remember that and tell that story well, as well as invite others into the story of God.

I received the ring in the mail about a month or so ago and when I slipped it on my finger I felt far more proud and awesomely overwhelmed than I ever could have at any graduation ceremony. As I felt it on my finger for the first time I prayed that it would always be a reminder of my time at Clemson and the story God spoke to my heart during that time.

And let me tell you... the ring and the story are both beautiful.

Expectations

2009-11-12T00:39:00.004-05:00

Seems I was so busy off being that new woman I forgot to actually take the time to take note of it, for you my millions of fans or really even for myself. Funny though how a rough day somehow makes me remember that something about a new woman was just lingering around here. I guess that's what happens though... When things get difficult, that's when we really find out if what we claimed to have learned has really taken root within us.

I came to this place one day where I realized that I was just waiting for things to be perfect in my life. It was almost as if I thought if I just waited it out and rode life long enough that I would finally arrive at this point one day where everything I dreamed for and wanted was just right here before me. And in that moment, things would no longer be difficult - relationships, thoughts, work, etc. (I realize how absolutely ridiculous and unrealistic this hope of mine seems. However, I think that is often a place we arrive at and live in. It's this place we've created for ourselves in our heads and something in us tries to hang on to the glimmering hope that if we just wait long enough, it will come. Maybe for you it's not as full-fledged or maybe I'm full of crap - but take it or leave it people.)

Anyways, as I was saying... so I arrived at this place where I realized this unrealistic expectation I was having for my life and I just got 100% tired of it. You know what, I don't want to be depressed anymore. I don't want my negative thoughts and my fears to define me. None of those lies are very fun to just roll around in and let control who you are. I don't want to just hope and dream for a lot of stuff but not be active in seeking that life. I don't want to just say I'm a person who cares about X, Y, and Z but isn't actually doing a damn thing about any of it. I don't want to hide from things that are good for me. I don't want to run away from things because it might hurt me at some point. And things you ask, what are these things? A calling, seminary, challenging people in their walk with the Lord, friendships, a marriage, children, ministry, the list goes on and on, hopes and dreams people!

So for about a month now I've been trying to really make a conscious effort to step out of those thought patterns and life-sucking rituals to create new paths and adventures of hope, of joy, of actually living a meaningful story.

It isn't easy my friends, oh it isn't easy - like today for example. This sweet job-o-mine comes with it's difficulties, rest assured. Like really, I have coffee with people everyday? What? I base my entire weekly schedule around when college students don't have class and aren't studying and feel like hanging out with a girl who works at a church. And when they do have class or are studying or don't want to hang out with the girl who works at a church - I send emails or find myself just wasting time. What? It's madness. If I didn't make that sound silly enough... the act of getting people to think about their own story in light of God's story (not to mention, how did I become equipped to do this?) is simply astounding. I think you get the picture from this rant of mine, it can all just. feel. so. futile.

And so I find it no coincidence that all day in the midst of finding myself slipping back onto old ground and becoming consumed with those troublesome dirty lies - the Lord has been saying... your a new woman, remember? I am your one true love, remember? sweet love of mine, set your eyes on me and just keep walking, we'll tell a good story, don't you worry.

Okay. Okay. Listen here you difficult days - get out of my way! I'm a new woman.

2009-10-02T13:55:00.000-04:00

I'm a new woman.

more on this to come...

Fifty People, One Question

2009-09-17T00:09:00.003-04:00

I drove home tonight feeling a bit wishful... I wasn't really praying words, but there was a sense within me of just simply wanting more. More love. More beauty. More freedom. More joy.

In my fight against sleep I stumbled upon this website, where fifty random people are asked one question, their response is recorded, and they move on with their day. From what I can tell they've done this twice now... Once asking the question "If you could wake up anywhere tomorrow, where would it be?" and the second time asking "What do you wish will happen by the end of today?"

As you can probably imagine, the responses cover a huge spectrum: some are funny, some are serious, some are simple, some are brutally honest, some are breathtaking, some are awkward...

But they all are beautiful in every way.

These simple films awoke something in me, stirred something in me, and called something out of me. There is a rawness and beauty in our human nature that is mysterious, wonderful, and heartbreaking all at the same time. And by God, I want more of that. I want for this life to filled richly with it... I don't want it to just pass me by.

When I wake up tomorrow I want to be home. Truly home... surrounded by every person I love and who love me, those people who know every part of me and I know them. And at the end of the day, I want to have laughed a lot and cried a lot; spoken honestly and held gently; and breathed a lot of sweet deep breaths... knowing I have a purpose, that I am beautiful, that I am loved and known, and that my story and your story unite.

Wrestling for Home

2009-09-15T10:46:00.006-04:00

Since last Friday I have been wrestling pretty vigorously with myself, with evil, and with God. It has literally felt like a physical wrestling... Whatever I am feeling internally and thinking through has felt like it has been physically manifesting itself through my body. That sounds bizarre, I realize, but that is really the best way I know how to explain it. It has been pretty consuming, heavy, and highly angering these past few days. Any relief I have felt from it, is only completely done away with each morning when I wake up.

It has seemingly come out of the blue - it's like I woke up and just found this thing staring at me and this bubbling around in the pit of my stomach. I've never experienced something quite like it! Each morning since Friday I've woken up feeling the weight and struggle going on within me. Last night I dreamed (uncoincidentally I believe) about wrestling alligators all night long. Each time I wrestled a different alligator, it was within a different set of circumstances, all circumstances with which I've been either thinking about or fearful of lately. There's a lot to be said there, and I think there is definitely something greater at work here... so if you'd like to pray I would appreciate that.

All of that's to say that this morning at the prompt of a friend, as I begun to unearth some of this absolute shit (because let's just be honest, the work of the devil is equal to that) ... I stumbled upon a little treasure. I just read something a few minutes ago that really gave me peace and hope and a vision towards something. It made me feel a lot less stuck and a lot less heavy, so I thought it may be worth a share. It's some good truth. Maybe you can identify with parts of it too. Peace friends.

"There are two realities to which you must cling. First, God has promised that you will receive the love you have been searching for. And second, God is faithful to that promise.

So stop wandering around. Instead, come home and trust that God will bring you what you need. Your whole life you have been running about, seeking the love you desire. Now it is time to end that search. Trust that God will give you that all-fulfilling love and will give it in a human way. Before you die, God will offer you the deepest satisfaction you can desire. Just stop running and start trusting and receiving.

Home is where you are truly safe. It is where you can receive what you desire. You need human hands to hold you there so you don't run away again. But when you come home and stay home, you will find the love that will bring rest to your heart."

~ Come Home, Henri Nouwen

a poem, as read aloud on Sept 13

2009-09-13T13:37:00.002-04:00

(i stole that title from Claire!)

I lie face up, eyes closed,
mouth cinched, hands tightly shut

on this hard cement earth,
that does not give.
does not comfort.
does not embrace.

I will not feel. I will not cry.
I will not sing. I will not dance.

All day long feet trod
and trod
and trod
around my head,
over my heart.

I will not laugh. I will not hold.
I will not worship.

You speak my new name.
My name is written on your palm,
on your heart.

i stand straight up, eyes wide,
mouth smiling, hands open facing up

on this playground of bursting creation,
that calls my joy.
calls my hope.
calls my beauty.
calls my love.

i will feel. i will cry.
i will sing. i will dance.

All my days feet run free
run wild
run and jump
through my life,
in my heart.

i will laugh. i will hold.
i will worship. i will be.

for You. with You. in You.

Space

2009-09-09T13:16:00.004-04:00

Today I went to Moe Joe's for the first time since they moved into the Jittery Joe's building. That may not seem like a very big deal or even worth commenting on... but there's a lot of emotion and thoughts tied up in that place.

I wasn't exactly sure how I would handle it. I expected for it to be difficult. I expected at some point to start crying. I almost even expected to accidentally walk into the back.

I'm not gonna lie - it was a pretty strange and surreal experience. And I didn't cry, but that doesn't mean I won't one day. And I enjoyed the fact they did a poor job of painting the orange wall blue, and you can still see that Jittery Joe's orange peeking through!

It was very strange to be on the other side of things... to see the walls painted blue. to see the odd mixture of furniture that suddenly occupies old space. to walk up to the counter and order. to actually have to be a normal person in a place where I once felt such ownership and pride in, so much of home, such energy.

One of the things I always loved about Jittery was that it really seemed like a place of connection. I felt like from the beginning that was its purpose. I felt like it was a space where people could meet with one another and really be honest, open, and free. I felt like a lot of life took place there. I felt like people felt safe to ask questions, pray, and simply just be. I just witnessed so much friendship, companionship, and love in those short two years. Maybe those things are not unique when talking about a coffee shop, but I think in the context of Clemson - it was unique. There's not another place like it. And with Jittery closing, it was difficult to not wonder why. To not be able to understand why something so good, could go so badly. It has been hard to not wonder why something I felt like the Lord really breathed into existence... was suddenly just a big empty hole.

What I wasn't expecting from today though.. was to see that again. I was reminded of the fact that the physical space has always been something the Lord has heavily had a presence in. And this was His from the beginning. And while it may look differently, and it may feel different, and it may not be what I necessarily want... He is still very much present. He still is doing something in those four walls. And while I may not be connected to it in the same way that I once was, it is now still happening.

As I sat with my coffee talking with a new friend about life, I couldn't help but overhear the other conversations going on around me. Conversations about parents, and Christ, and school. Encouraging, hopeful, life giving conversations. Yes, there is still much life in that building. God is very much still doing his work there. And for a season, my family was able to offer that to others... and I may never exactly understand why it stopped or be able to pretend it's not a struggle. But now, for this season, someone else gets to offer that... and that's still a really beautiful thing.

It was so good for my heart to be reminded that God is still in this (even if the coffee isn't as good!) That while it may have caused a lot of pain, the Lord is still very much in this. He is very much present... it shocked me to see that, but I am so thankful for it.

Over and Done

2009-09-05T00:16:00.002-04:00

This song has been speaking to me a lot lately... can't exactly put my finger on what it is, but thought it was worth a share.

Little bird, little bird
Fly all around the sky
Little bird, little bird
What'd you do yesterday?
I don't know why, but you flew away

Little bird, little bird
Up in your tree
Rest for a while right beside me
Let the leaves come down
Down to the ground
And sing me a song
Then you can move along
You've gone and got ashes
On your sunglasses
Flying too close to the sun

Well, it's over and done
But I know that you're the only one
Little bird, little bird
Fly away

~ Over and Done, The Everybodyfields

not a student

2009-08-26T11:46:00.006-04:00

I'm a week and half into my new job as Community Director at dcf. Despite the fact that for the first full week I cried several times a day at the change going on around me (does anyone sense a pattern here?)... I really think I'm starting to love it.

Here are some highlights so far...

(1) Last Sunday we had a cookout after the Gathering. It was my first event that I was in charge of planning all on my own - I have to say, I think it was a great success. The line wrapped around the side of the building for at least 20-30 minutes. There seemed to be a lot of great connections taking place; introductions made; friendships reunited after the summer; and many comments about the sense of community people felt they were a part of. It was a good reminder to my heart that this matters, a lot. And I have to say, I couldn't have done it without the wonderful help of Claire Loy!

(2) I got my first support money in last Friday - $2,000! I don't know who you are but thank you. It was a great reminder that people love, support, and believe in me; as well as a reminder that God truly is in this.

(3) Our first family group was last night. The days leading up to it, I was pretty fearful that no one would show up. I heard countless lies that I wasn't cut out for this, that no one would care to be a part of something I'm helping lead. Dirty lie. Seven beautiful people showed up last night, and I loved them all. I'm so excited to love them and to see how God draws us into His story as we walk together. It was an incredible moment and one of those things that just "felt right" if you know what I mean.

(4) KT and I are starting to have weekly staff meetings. Staff. Meetings. Just the two of us. It cracks me up, and I love every second of it.

(5) Am I really getting paid to hang out on Clemson's campus? Am I really getting paid to plan events? Am I really getting paid to love people? Am I really getting paid to have good conversations with people? Am I really getting paid to pursue others? Am I really getting paid to serve this church I love? Am I really getting paid to live the dream of living the life of a college student without going to college? That doesn't seem fair. It's unreal I tell you.

Lastly, can I just say it is mega-weird to be among college students and in this town where I was a student for so long, but now suddenly not be a student. But I'm pleased to announce I have already been mistaken as a student several times. The better part of that being that one day I got asked if I was a freshman. No actually, I've graduated after being in school for five years. Now I have a (friggin sweet) job - it's to know you. Guess it's just part of the gig!

Mini Love Fest

2009-08-23T00:27:00.002-04:00

I had to fight some major sleepy eyes to write this one...

but if you're looking for the way into my heart, to cause it to swell and burst with love...

all I need is for a lot of people I dearly love to be back together again in one room.

Of course there were some missing... but in general so so so good for this heart of mine.

Let Go

2009-08-08T00:00:00.010-04:00

Remember about 2 months ago when I spoke after a long silence about three questions I felt were being asked of my heart, my soul, my life? Well, you've heard about one but the others have quickly slid under the radar. They've gone unanswered and untouched. It's a little amusing because at the time I thought all three questions were things I had come to an understanding about. They were things I thought I had thought through and dealt with, things I thought I could speak of and move onto whatever was next. Oh how deceived I was.

I've been thinking lately of how interesting it is that we have hands. We have this part of our body, unlike any other part - that allows us to grab, to grasp, to hold, to explore, to use as tools, to release... I realize at a first glance that this may seem a bit obvious and not too interesting at all. However, I think the realization of the fact we have hands for quite a purpose has led me to realizations about the posture of my hands throughout these past few months and years. That's where the interesting part comes in, for there is much to be said about this my friends.

I seem to be finding myself in a season of letting go. A season where the Lord is showing me just how desperately I don't just hold on to things around me, but I hold on so tightly that I squeeze the life out of the good things and have refused to let go of the things that are killing me. I've been noticing that in my 23 years I've held on desperately to: friendships, material positions, my own wisdom, the wisdom of others, the lies of the enemy, the routines and paths I find myself on, my stubbornness, the hurts of my past, and that's really only the tip of the iceberg isn't it? I've clung on tightly. I've held on as if my life depended on it and I've only ended up drowning myself into a pit of worthlessness, of filth, of hurt, and of fear.

The more I've thought about this, the more I've begun to have my eyes opened to what a foolish picture this is... I've become this girl that's holding onto everything I've ever known (that's every person, every precious memory, every hurt, every pain, every lie, every hope, every dream) and I've been holding on so tightly that I can't even hold it all. And my hands? My hands are heavy. My hands are too small. My hands are bleeding. My hands can't do it any longer, they're too weak for this. I picture myself frantically looking around for some where to put all of this stuff, for someone to help.

The truth is... I can't hold on any longer. That frantic, foolish, heartbreaking picture has yet another undeniable image where the Lord has come and gently opened my hands and whispered: whenever you're tired of this... whenever you're ready to let go of all of this sin, of all of this pain, of all of this hurt, of all of these fears and worries, of all of these people... whenever you decide to let go... there's something else a whole lot more life giving for you to hold on too.

I've been hearing those words for awhile now and at first they were greeted with a lot of tears and hatred and comments of "screw holding things loosely - I hate everything about that!" But I'm relieved to say those sweet words are slowly starting to sink in.

I'm being asked to give up a lot in this season. I'm being asked to give up control of my life. I'm being asked to give up my past and my future. I'm being asked to give up my friendships (because they are a whole lot more beautiful when I don't smoother them). I'm being asked to give up my pride. I'm being asked to enter a new season... to live in a new set of circumstances at my house with my family, to serve in a new kind of way, to let myself be loved differently than I have before, to allow my relationships to grow and change, to believe and trust that there is still a lot more of the story to be told and that if I only knew what was around the corner... I would have let go a long time ago.

Coincidentally I've found myself praying these past few days with my hands open and my palms up. It seems that in the reality of letting go of all of that, my hands are a lot more open and free to allow the Lord to pick me up out of the pit of misery. Not because He couldn't do so before, but because in this I'm choosing to not be stuck any longer. With my hands open and up, instead of closed tightly, I allow myself to be to be filled with the Lord's love to hold onto. I can't even tell you how freeing it is...

Blink

2009-08-06T22:39:00.003-04:00

I've been feeling the tug to start writing a lot more lately. I don't mean on the blog necessarily, but just in general. It's something I used to do a lot more... I'd write poetry or letters or little short stories. Unfortunately, over the past few years writing has only become something I did, not really something I do.

The only problem these days is I go to write and I feel blank inside. I feel like there's something in there worth saying but it just sits there. It doesn't move, it doesn't hide, it doesn't make a sound. It just stares at me... just waiting.

While that's something I hope to continue to enter into and is something I hope eventually speaks pretty loudly, I think it may be a greater illustration of what's going on with me. The whole me. The me that's trying to navigate an entirely different season, in a very familiar place. A place almost too familiar, familiar in the "I've been living here and going to school for 11 years" kind of way.

I've been battling a bit of boredom these past few days. Not a lot to do, not many to talk too, just a lot to think through. While thankfully this hasn't (yet) lent itself to feelings of loneliness, it does leave me feeling a bit hollowed inside, a bit of sensing a deep stirring, a bit full of tears yet to be cried, and a bit loved and gently held.

So I find myself just like the words sitting in me; I find myself just sitting... and sitting... and sitting...

waiting

for something, I hope.

Major Fist Pump!

2009-07-27T15:45:00.003-04:00

For the past year, especially the last 6 months, and even more specifically April through July I have really been seeking whatever is "next" for me. It has been a long process, and a tiring and frustrating one at that but God has taught me a lot about His calling, His faithfulness, and what it means to be content in simply waiting.

So after much prayer, confusion, conversation, frustration, tears, peace, seeking, pleading, hoping, waiting, and dreaming... I have an announcement.

As of August 14th, 2009 I will officially be working for dcf!

It's funny how I wanted nothing more but to get out of Clemson but everything else I pursued outside of this place fell completely dead. So around last May sometime I started to have a few words with God, if you know what I mean. By words I mostly mean a lot of sarcastic, "I don't know what else to do God. Haven't I been here 11 years, what more do you want!? So if you want me here. You're going to have to make me excited about it, because nothing in me is. Would you just freaking tell me what to do? Thanks. Period." Take that! (Gosh, I'm such a brat)

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when the idea of staying here longer started to really get me excited, I mean like... almost irrationally weirdly freaking out excited. So how did I respond to that, I got worried, duh! Worried as in, "WTF? If I'm staying here, what the crap am I going to be doing and why the crap am I going to be doing it?" (insert any other word you find appropriate for the word crap. dang, I'm so holy.)

But really in all honesty, my heart started to get super excited about the possibility of being here, even to the point where I told a few people "you know, I think I'm going to be here in Clemson next year. Dunno what I'll be doing but we'll see!"

Enter more waiting, and more waiting, and oh, some more waiting. So one day I'm literally sitting on my couch "playing" the guitar and I thought, "huh, I wonder if I could work at dcf." So then I started getting even more excited about that possibility but had no idea what it would look like or what that even meant or if it was even possible. Every time I went to church after that and every time I saw KT I would try and bring it up, but would leave having not done it. It just seemed weird and random, and I had no idea what to do with it. So a couple of weeks later, sitting on the couch again in between watching some episodes of LOST I literally threw this sentence into the air, "God, if you want me to work at dcf, will you tell KT to talk to me about it."

That Sunday at dcf the following conversation took place:
KT: "So what are you going to do in the fall?"
me: "I dunno KT" (God do you want me to tell him, b/c I don't want too)
KT: "are you going to work at dcf?"
me (deer in the headlights look): "are you joking, because if you are it's not funny"
KT: "no, I'm not. Stuart and I have been talking about it.
me: "about someone working here, or about me working here?"
KT: "about you working here. we were wondering what you were doing and thought it might work. so you want too?"
EXCUSE ME, DID THAT REALLY JUST HAPPEN? WHAT LIFE AM I LIVING!

A week later it was official. And really, I don't think I could be more excited about being anywhere else or doing anything else. It's absolutely perfect. Sometimes when I think about it, I have to slap myself in the face to realize it's real. The Lord is so good, so faithful, so purposeful.

My job is basically going to be to plan events, get people more involved, disciple girls, lead a house church, and freaking just hang out with college students! WHAT? I can't imagine doing something more incredible. Oh, I know this will come with its own set of questions and hardships... but have I mentioned that I'm excited yet?

It's even funnier to think about, when you look at the last year. All year these were things that I wanted to do in order to serve dcf more deeply. But time and time again I found myself more and more frustrated because I simply just didn't have the time to do so. The closer it got to graduation, despite how badly I wanted something new, the more I found myself thinking every Sunday, "I'm just not ready to leave this place. I don't feel done... there's still more to be written here." Even more than that, this past year has been so difficult in every single way. I felt lonely. I doubted my major. I felt like I totally missed the ball by quitting Young Life. I felt like I missed out on what college was supposed to be like in so many ways. I lacked community, and I definitely didn't usually have the energy to fight for it. I just felt so done, I was checked out, I was freaking mourning so much and just felt hurt and confused.

But this... this "job". If this doesn't scream an opportunity for redemption of my heart... I don't know what does.

I really just love dcf. I love who we are, the God we serve, and the story we share. It is so humbling that this is where God has led me.

Abide in Me

2009-07-03T23:26:00.004-04:00

I have a confession.

With "next year" (as I continue to call it even though it's approximately one month away) looming around the corner...

I'm incredibly terrified.

Besides the uncertainty of not knowing where I'm supposed to be next, what I'm supposed to be doing, and all the details in between... the all consuming fear as of late has been an intense fear of being lonely - lonely to my core.

I can't tell you how many conversations I've had about this. I can't tell you how many tears I've cried about it. And I can't even begin to tell you the prayers and pleas I've made as of late.

But just when the darkness seems overwhelming, when the lies seem too loud to hear anything else, when my circumstances seem to tell me I am not worthy of companionship, when my heart aches seemingly without end...

I'm reminded I will never be forsaken. I will never be alone. I will never be unknown. I will never be abandoned. I will never be forgotten. I will never be without friendship. I will never not be pursued relentlessly.

Strike Update 1

2009-07-02T11:35:00.002-04:00

Well... the world is half way at peace as of Tuesday night when Rachel blogged. Well done my friend, you never knew that would get you an ice cream cone did you?

Turns out... I'm way out of touch with who actually blogs frequently. Michael Sawyer... you think you're flying under the radar - well you're not! You've been exposed son! So get on it, no lame excuses about moving and a new job - that right there is blog worthy. I believe that brings the list too: Michael Sawyer, Erin Scott, and Rachael Estep.

And Carin - don't delete those posts! Just post 'em girl and stick it to the man (not sure how that works) or either keep saving them. If you've got somethin to say, don't not say it!

And lastly... my thought of the day is this:
boys, if you're gonna ask me wife questions - be a man, ask me wife questions, and take me on a date, or just don't ask at all. That's all I'm sayin. I dont' want to play your games.

That's right. Read that suckas.

Of Strikes and Things

2009-06-30T15:04:00.002-04:00

As you may or may not know... until Erin Scott and Rachel Caslen blog, I'm on blog strike. Which is really unfortunate, because I have some things I'd like to share - but alas, the world must wait!

I know with this strike come questions of sustainability. So what if they blog once to get us off their backs and then never blog again? I guess that's always possible. But my hope with all of this, is simply that both of these lovely women will realize they have something to say, even if it's every now and then.

Like Erin getting caught in the grocery store talkin to a pepper. And Rachel loving the Princess Bride.

That's all we're hoping for here. I realize it's just a blog, not that big of a deal. But as mass exoduses continue (and continue to NOT include me...) one can only hope for a little treasure of a blog every now and then. It's the simple things in life, ok?

Bottom line is - I think these two have some worthy things to say, and I'd love to read about it every now and then! (And Erin as for your argument that I'm being violent, you can't deny that nothing about this blog post is violent, but just simply out of love! peace and love for cryin out loud!)

Lastly, all of this has gotten me thinking about another dear friend named Rachael... where did she go? Does anyone know?

I think all of you should know Rachael just purchased a bike. With hopes of many adventures around the DC area to come. And while on the surface, that may not seem like a big deal... I think it's huge. Rachael, it excites me beyond belief. I think you're going to fall in love with biking. I wish I could be there to see it.

So with that being said, come on Rach E-step... you've got things to share too. I know I miss that historical, wise, and witty voice.

Anyone else?

Child Like Faith

2009-06-11T22:57:00.009-04:00

A little over a week ago I signed off by asking three questions - three questions that at times were being asked of myself and at times were being asked to the Lord. Through asking those questions I've started to slowly hear answers that aren't simply fleeting but are worthy of listening and responding too. I'd like to address each of those questions at separate times; but for now am actually going to start with the last simply because it has been answered loudly, clearly, powerfully, and beautifully - and I'd really like to share that. (And yes, this will be lengthy.)

Since coming back from New Orleans last summer I have found myself in a whirlwind of emotions, questions, depression, elation, peace, and confusion. I know that is no news to anyone, whether you've heard it here or witnessed it for yourself. What I have been less honest about is the death I have felt within me. There's been this unsettling deep darkness weighing heavily on my heart. Death of a literal part of me. For months I was unable to put words too it so it was simply easier to try to ignore and stay quiet about. I clearly remember staring at my ceiling for hours late one night thinking and praying about this and it all of the sudden being so clear... the child in me was gone. Not just missing, not hiding, not simply less... the child in me was dead.

Bankruptcy, friends moving away, being stuck in college a year more than I was supposed to be, feeling a lack of purpose, leaving a place like New Orleans, having to provide for myself, feeling a shift in community and calling, ... that will kill something within you. I remember that night thinking that in the last year - I've grown up really quickly. I've been hit by unexpected circumstances on every side. And was it bad to grow up a little? Absolutely not. But was it ok that in the process of learning a lot about living, that the child like essence of who I was had left with it? The more I thought about it, the more I didn't think so. The more I continued to walk down this road and wonder about where my child like faith had gone, the more I couldn't find it. And in that, the more I found myself fearful, quiet, crying, unsettled, frustrated...

Then, this ugly death really started to show itself. I became fearful of things like dancing, jumping off cliffs, having fun, getting to know people, going on adventures, being silly, taking a risk ... and being myself. I started to panic. I started to cry. I started to hide. I started to feel foolish and shameful.

Then something surprising started to happen... I started to remember. I started to remember how I used to laugh and bring others into that. I started to remember how I used to be silly and not care what anyone thought, and how people were drawn to that. I started to remember that I used to get overly excited (even about small things) and that I could excite others also. I started to remember being loud over card games. I started to remember how much I loved discovering new people and new things. I started to remember sneaking on top of buildings or sneaking around to decorate people's yards for their birthday. I started to remember jumping off rocks into the lake. I started to remember running around wildly. I started to remember jumping around in my bright green rain jacket with Young Life girls just so they would let go and play. I started to remember driving late at night and screaming music at the top of my lungs. Ultimately, I started to remember... this was who God had made me - to love this life and people so dearly, that I can't contain my wonder and excitement for them. And not only was this recent death a death unto myself, but it was a death to everyone around me. For in this death, no one else could share in a passionate wonder and excitement either, and that this death was absolutely tragic. And that in some way the Creator of the universe has called me to bring the child out of others... to invite them to explore and wonder and to deeply enjoy our world the Father has created for us - and if I wasn't doing this, I wasn't living as the Lord wanted.

Last week I assisted in conducting a staff training for Tigers Go (the people I worked for last summer). Throughout the week, I started to catch myself in moments of pure joy, of pure silliness, of pure adventure, of pure loudness, of pure laughter, of pure wonder... and of inviting others into that. But something in me was still hesitant, so I started asking God if this was real or if I was just tricking myself into thinking I was being healed of this.

On the last day of the training I had to make a trip to Wal-Mart to buy some things for the evening. As I was walking around the store I started hearing the laughter of children so loudly. It was almost all I could hear and it was beautiful. The more I heard, the more I began to be intrigued and to ask the Lord what this was about and to see more. Then I began to notice that all around me there were children. I went down one isle and saw a little girl sweetly holding her mom's hand and singing as she looked around at the things around her. I went down the next to see a little boy with a cowboy hat on running around trying to tag his dad. I went down the next to see a mom in complete abandon sitting on the floor of Wal-Mart playing with her son. I went down the next so see a dad bent down talking with and tickling his daughter. And as I went down isle after isle, every single one held a child captivated by the world around them. There were children playing, simply just being with their parents, and laughing - I started crying. As I walked around Wal-Mart (where people usually beat their children but on this day were deeply loving them), tears streaming down my face (what a sight I was!), the Lord whispered to me:

This is for you. You are my child. Be captivated, laugh, play, enjoy, ... just be. I have created you to be just like these children.

Later that night, as the staff and trainers sat around in a circle to encourage and pray for one another before the summer camps began... I shared my story of struggle with my new friends. They stared at me finding it unreal that this wasn't who I had been the past year, but during this week I had come alive again. I encouraged them that this wasn't just for me but it is for us all.

We are all called to be children of the Lord, fully captivated in His presence and creation. We are called to come and play, to come and laugh, to come and enjoy, to come and just be - and He will delight in this with us.

Since then, friends have confirmed this whole heartedly through tears, words, and actions. And the Lord has confirmed it even more through inviting me to not just remember I am His child but to be His child... to be even more captivated, to come and play, to laugh, to be silly, to just be, and to invite others into His joy.

Yeah, About That

2009-06-01T15:40:00.003-04:00

The silence since April 26th has been deafening hasn't it? Don't worry, you're not the only one who has been hearing it my friend. This curly haired girl over here who's now a college graduate with not a clue of what's next (among other happenings such as visits with friends, reading some books, applying for jobs, being in weddings, and more), has been hearing it too. The silence has caused a little restlessness, a little uneasiness, a little frustration, and a few moments of mouth open wide, ear-piercing wild screaming (if you know what I mean).

I just don't really know what to say here these days . . . I often come here and I hear the crickets chirping pretty loudly. I find my fingers typing pretty blanklessly and pointlessly, only to push delete in a moment of furious anger. So I'll give you some simple thoughts.

It's true, I feel a little abandoned post-mass exodus 2. But had I ever really recovered from mass exodus 1? Mmm... probably not.

It's true, I want to get out of here, but I'm feeling a little stuck. Emotionally, financially, relationally...

It's true, my heart has been screaming back at the silence. The three most important things being:
(1) When are you going to let go of all of this?
(2) When are you going to go on this adventure? and
(3) Where has your (once lived out so freely) child-like belief gone?

And it's true, for well over a month now the cracks are getting bigger and the walls are falling and the questions aren't being ignored any longer.

More to come soon my friends... thanks for bearing through the silence.

Epic

2009-04-26T22:35:00.002-04:00

Friday was quite an epic day in my life... and I've been living in it's trails all throughout this weekend.

- I had my last class at Clemson ever.

- after receiving an offer for a year long internship with a camp in Colorado, the conversations with many necessary people began.

- Jittery Joe's closed (at least under Guthrie ownership), with a bang and with a friends/family get together that was sweet and wonderful, yet heartbreaking and difficult.

- and the Scott's rolled out of town for good. There's only a handful of us left now.

I have no idea what to feel at all. There have been several times over the weekend I've found myself sitting still in a deep stare, trying to grasp onto something, anything. I've come to realize that I don't really want any of this right now, yet I know it all leads to better things... in time.

Peace.

Sweet Tears and Sweet Words

2009-04-21T17:12:00.003-04:00

Despite discovering freedom and joy in new, exciting and unexpected places, over the last month or so there has been much to cause my heart and mind to become consumed with worry and fear. There have often been times at the end of the day where I find myself full of sadness and questions, and consumed with worry and fear.

These things stem largely from questions about what is next for me - Where will I move, what will I find to hopefully give my energy, thoughts, and passions too? Will it be a good choice? What about these people that I love dearly and will miss? Will I be lonely? What if it's not what I expected? Won't it be scary and lonely to be somewhere I know no one? Do I even really know what I want? Am I being selfish in wanting something new?

While other questions and doubts are centered around my family - What is the Lord doing? Can I really trust His promises are true? Why does this have to be so painful? Will He really take care of them? Can't He just make it stop?

And then there are those daunting thoughts about the last 5 years at Clemson - Have I spent my time well? What have I missed in the process? What could I have done better? What should I have done? If I could do it all over, what would I do differently? I missed it entirely didn't I? Why did it take me so long to figure things out? Who did I hurt along the way? What am I still hurt by? I'm not worth it am I?

I'm not really one to get songs stuck in my head, especially for long periods of time. However, every time these questions and doubts and worries seem to creep into my thoughts and ultimately my heart... every time I have found this song blaring in my head and I can not escape it's truth.

These words have very loudly and powerfully proclaimed to my heart and forced me to believe that in all of these circumstances and happenings and change - God, Father, Redeemer, Lover, Friend - He is with me until the end.

Every time as I hear these words screaming at me to choose life - I can't escape the Lord stomping His foot in front of me and saying No! Those thoughts are not of me! I am with you until the very end! I am beside you and all of these things are of me! Do not fear, do not doubt, do not worry - for I am with you always - I am right beside you - I am with you to the end!

Oh Lord my Shepherd be
And beside still waters lead
And among green pastures make me lie
You are with me to the end

In the paths of righteousness
For the glory of your name
keep me safe that I may know always
You are with me to the end

You are with me
You are with me
You are with me
to the end

There's no other
Friend and Savior
You are with me
to the end

For when the shadows fall
And the night is closing in
You are here
No evil will I fear
You are with me
to the end

You are with me
You are with me
You are with me
to the end

There's no other
Friend and Savior
You are with me
to the end.

Just wanted to let you know...

2009-04-14T14:06:00.003-04:00

It wasn't for very long, but last night

I danced.

It was so incredible.

Sometimes, you just gotta let go... and be free. Ya know?

Happenings and Possiblities

2009-04-11T15:58:00.003-04:00

The past few days I have had a lot of time to reflect over this last year or so. (Well, school year that is...)

I have to say that this past year has been incredibly difficult. At the time things seemed very dark and distant and messy. I felt myself rolling around in a bunch of doubts and questions, depression and anxiety, fears and insecurities, guilt, misery, confusion, hurt, sin - selfishness, anger, gluttony... the list goes on. It seemed as if there were lots of moments where I found myself in absolute tears, wondering what was going on around me, and what the Lord could possibly be up too. It was lonely and trying.

However, over the past few weeks I have been sensing something coming alive within myself. Perhaps it is because of the season of Lent, where I tried my best to wildly abandon worry and to spend time each day in prayer and silence and in the Word. I will not say that I succeeded in this by any means, nor was it easy or something that I was always aware of. However, through it I have realized just how much I worry about, and just how much God desires to carry those burdens on His own.

Perhaps it is simply because spring is here - new life, new growth, a fresh start. Where death is conquered and all is made new.

Or perhaps it has to do more with the fact that despite overwhelming terrible circumstances and happenings within my family, I have seen and felt Him move in large ways within the four of us and outside as well. Hints and whispers, and at times visible sign and even almost screaming that He is present, that His love is real, and that He changes all things for good.

I have been reminded of His faithfulness... how faithful He has been to answer my cries to Him, how faithful He has been to redeem the brokenness within me time and time again, how faithful He has been in loving me to my very core. He has been faithful to give me community in surprising places, to provide for me financially, and in reminding me and showing me He is good!

I've also been thinking about what is to come in the coming weeks and months ahead.

There's "The Last Clemson Hoorah" as a few friends have named it, which is basically a list of adventures in Clemson (some of which are yes, illegal). There's graduation and celebrations. There's a trip to visit the massive amount of people that now (or will very soon) live in DC. There's the rest of season 5 of LOST. There's working for Tigers Go and being able to spend time with my sweet family. There are visits with friends who have come and gone. There's hopefully a trip to New Orleans. There are four weddings. There's fun events with new and old friends at dcf. And in between there's hopefully lots of good conversations, quality laughter, prayer, and a lot of intentional moments. Then there will be a new job, and quite possibly a move to a very new place. There are new people to meet and new places to explore, which will definitely bring about missing people and questions of themselves, but which will also allow for growth. Then there's a reunion/marathon in Denver... and I'm sure much more to hope for which can't even be seen in this moment. (You could say this is the beginning of another LoveFest... and you would not be mistaken!)

There is much to be thankful for. much to be joyful about. much to be in amazement of.
There is much to be excited for. much to hope and long for. much to be experienced.

... and may you know it for yourself as well!

April

2009-04-01T11:43:00.006-04:00

it's fair and very appropriate to say that this entire year I have desperately been praying for redemption, for purpose, for clarity, for peace...

over the last week, some extraordinarily difficult things have happened. yet, instead of anger - the Lord has opened my eyes to his faithfulness, his goodness, his strength.

and i've begun to hear the whispers of...

new life.

Funny!

2009-03-03T16:48:00.003-05:00

Rachael: the national marathon is in march
so if you want to come up and run along side it
me: i cannot run a marathon in march
Rachael: i know you say that
but if michael and corey were sitting with you right now
and started talking about how you couldn't run a marathon
i have a sneaking suspicion
you'd be here
two left shoes, no ipod, and all :)
me: but i haven't run in an hour

...

i meant a month
Rachael: i was about to say
dang girl
that's a lot of running if you are getting down on yourself for not having run in an hour

oops! i though it was a good chuckle. i would be too obsessed if that really were the case. and i haven't run in about a month. so really, no marathon in march for this girl!

but i will have a birthday and a trip to nashville!

Puppy Love

2009-02-27T12:48:00.010-05:00

I know I've kind of been blogging a lot lately, but I couldn't resist this...
Meet Bentley!

* Thanks to Michael for the pictures!

Lent

2009-02-26T10:03:00.003-05:00

Lent is a season I always greatly anticipate. For me it has always been a time of great discovery and learning, as well as a time for eager anticipation of what is to come. I think it's one of the most beautiful practices that growing up in the Catholic faith has really taught me to appreciate.

Sensing that something is truly missing in the way that I view God and in the ways I listen for His voice, and just in my relationship with Him - I have decided to do three things this Lent. The first is to spend an uninterrupted, very intentional hour each day with God. This is not something I've ever been very good at, but it is something I deeply desire. I need dedication and set apart time to say ok God, here I am, here are my thoughts, now I'm listening. The second is that I (along with a few others) are giving up worrying. On Tuesday night I was really thinking that I needed something else to give up, but wasn't sure what it was. Then I was approached with this idea and absolutely jumped on board. There is a lot to worry about in the coming days - jobs, moving, family, leaving Clemson, if I've made the right decisions, doubts about myself and if I can measure up, worrying about if I'm spending time here the way I want... well that's gonna have to fly out the window! I think this is going to be really difficult, but could be very transforming. And lastly, in the days leading up to Easter, I plan to do a 3 day fast.

My hopes for this season of lent is to be transformed, especially in how I trust in the Lord and believe in His love. I hope for Him to ... show up, for lack of a better way of putting it. I hope for Him to speak, and teach me, and reveal Him to me. I hope to boldly approach this, and to not be scared of what I may find.

I'm always encouraged by others during Lent... so
What are you doing for Lent?

because they asked for it...

2009-02-23T14:00:00.003-05:00

One time I made one of those 25 things about me lists on facebook, and I honestly forgot to tag Justin and Erin Scott. As a result they almost took my life. So I'll probably never do another one of those things again. So, in order to repair my dreadful sin, I will now create a list of 50 random things about me in honor of the Scotts. And they better read them all (there may or may not be a quiz later).

I plan on getting a tattoo soon... and not telling anyone until afterwards.
I told my mom once I wanted to go to Cracker Barrel sometime. She told me we could go for lunch soon, and I responded by saying: "But you don't eat there, it's a clothing store." She laughed really hard at me and once she took me there I was really embarassed. She still likes to use that one against me.
I strongly strongly strongly believe in the power of being discipled. I think it's something we should all have in our lives, if not all the time - at least as often as life will allow us.
I love a good roadtrip! Hoping for a big one this summer!
the numbers on this blog really drive me crazy, they have an aboslute mind of their own.
I love to dream about heaven.
One of my deep seated burning questions is... When are the essentials (stick it to the man!) making a comeback?
I will, absolutely WILL get married outside!
I re-realized in the shower the other day that I have a lot of really weird quarks. Like the fact that when I walk up stairs I count each one of them and if I'm going to end on an odd number I'll skip one to make it even.
If Greenville wasn't in SC, I think I would be pretty interested in moving there.
When I was 3 years old I rode my tricycle down the stairs. I can still see it happening, and it hurt. A lot.
Also when I was 3, I had this thing with my dad where I would wait for him to come to the side of the van and I would jump to him and he would carry me inside. One time, I got so excited to go tell my mom about meeting Santa Clause that I jumped out of the van way to early and hit the cement floor of the garage instead. My mom heard my head hit the floor two stories up. I had two black eyes for Christmas.
I once dated a guy named Moose. As a result, I can never listen to John Mayer's first CD the same way ever again. Enough said.
I really love red wine.
My brother is one of the most hilarious people that I know. He can make me laugh no matter what. I love that about him... his amazing ability to bring laughter when people need it the most. I think it's one of the most wonderful gifts in this planet.
When I was in New Orleans I felt a freedom there I've never felt before and haven't felt again since the day I left.
I'm a cuddler for sure. Personal touch is probably my love langauge... along with quality time - but I think they kind of go hand-in-hand (BAHA! what a pun!)
I really love orange soda but I hardly ever let myself buy it. Once I stole some...
I usually have really vivid dreams and can remember them in very explicit detail. I really love it.
I really love the small town life (and I love the idea of living on a farm or mountain) but I also really want to live in a city. Sometimes it's a huge battle that goes on within me.
When I was in high school my mom used to make me go outside to talk onthe phone because she said I was too loud. Oops.
If you read all of this, I'm really impressed.
Even when I want a change, it's usually pretty difficult for me to adjust (This next year should be fun...)
I absolutely love the three girls I live with this year. We are all so different in so many ways, but it has been really wonderful. A complete blessing I never saw coming.
I really love dogs, EXCEPT little yappy ones. In fact, every time I see one of those the only thing I can think about is picking them up and punting them as far as possible, preferably into heavy traffic. The intensity of this feeling probably increased times 1000 percent this summer, when I was surrounded by about 10 Chihuahuas that then started licking my toes after eating their owners biscuits off the floor. Mid-conversation with the onwer I promptly said, "I have to leave" and walked out of her house. True story. It was terrible.
I would really like to be able to cut people's hair. I've tried a few times; I think it turned out pretty good. But peopel are usually hesitant to let me try, especially when I kind of freak out in the middle of it. bahah! I'm thankful for those who will let me though, it's the only way I'll learn!
If I'm not the naughty spouse, my future husband must be absolutely ridiculous. And if that's the case, I will gladly let him own the title. (but I find it only appropriate to give him that title with some competitive/defensive involved on my end)
I cry a lot. If you don't believe me, watch me on Sunday morning at church. More often than not I'm in tears. Sometimes of joy, sometimes of sorrow...
I'm going to be in my friend Kathryn's wedding in May and I realy can't wait! It's going to be so beautiful and wonderful and great to celebrate!
There are 5 bonus items on this list! 55 suckas! (guess I really like to talk about myself... oops!)
One day I want to learn how to play the violin.
The kids in my kindergarten class wouldn't let me walk around by myself - they thought I was too little, despite me constantly telling them I could do it on my own. My teacher had to have a conference with my mom to solve the problem and make the other kids stop doing it.
I have what you would call a shoe obsession. However, I have successfully managed to not buy even one paire in probably almost a year.
I think living in the woods could make me pretty happy... as long as I had some company. I'd love to hike part or all of the AT one day.
Sometimes I wish my major was either nursing, health science, veterinary science, or graphic communications.
Speaking of health... I really want to learn a lot more about holistic health. I'm starting to really be convinced there's something to treating the whole person and not just covering up symptoms.
If I could go back and do college differently, I would. Maybe not at its core... but I think there are most definitely things I could change. That's the only time in my life I can honestly say that about.
No matter how much I want to become a tea person... I'm just not there yet.
When I was little I was obsessed with zebra striped gum. My dad to used to surprise me with it and I would go absolutely ballistic. I also really loved the Brave Little Toaster.
My dad's mom holds an extremely special place in my heart and I often wish I could talk to her now. The woman simply got it, for lack of a better way of saying it. And she prayed Christ into my family from the very beginning. If you want the whole story, ask - it's a good one.
One time last semester, I really believe I was standing at the end of a rainbow. All the colors were swirling around me, and everything looked so strange and exciting. At first I couldn't figure out what was going on, but once I did I was thrilled. It was so awesome.
I really love little boys. I hope to have more boys than girls when I have kids. At least four children will do.
San Francisco is one of my favorite places I've ever been and I only spent two days there! California in general is really at the top of my list though!
I absolutely love Disney movies. But I only personally own one of them - Lady and the Tramp.
I love illegal adventure... well and legal ones too. But that's probably not news to anyone. Through all of them, I've only had one encounter with the cops!
I can't wait to fly. I absolutely think about it every single day and the desire just grows and grows! You can come with me if you'd like!
Last week I had a thought that a boy was cute. When I asked him what year he was and he responded "freshman"... I laughed.
I love the Chicago Cubs and I always will. And one day when they win the World Series... there aren't even words for that will come over me.
I will never ever get mad at sometone for being too busy. That is a life I have lived and realize that you do the best you can. Holding it against sometone is really unfair in my opinion.
This has taken me a long time.
I am not, nor do I ever really want to be a movie person.
I'll eat just about anything but oysters are not one of them and they never will be.
Growing up my brother and I had the most ridiculsouly long secret hand shake in the world. One part of it invovled saying "woogie woogie" - shut up. You're jealous, and you should be because it was awesome.
(added per Amy Sawyer's request/recommendation) I have a scar on my left hand from playing Nintendo 64 a little too intenstly. It involved Mario Party, my brother, my cousin... and a lot of competitiveness that ended in the joy stick giving me a giant blister on my palm. Now it's a scar. That's about the worst story to admit ever.
To read my list of 25 things - click here

Believe

2009-02-22T22:12:00.002-05:00

"Believe, when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world."

I found this quote a moment ago in the midst of writing a paper and cried for what seems like the trillionth time today.

On this day... more than most, I deeply needed to be reminded that there is something beyond comprehension that I have been put here for.

Thank you... and may you know this deep truth for your soul as well.

I'm excited about this one!

2009-02-18T19:24:00.005-05:00

I'm not one to usually pass on music suggestions or even really talk about a love for music, but this is an absolute must.

I've been listening to the new Sigur Ros album and it is absolutely phenomenal. I think any time you can listen to something that is not spoken in your own language and it still stirs something deep within you... you know you've found something good!

The past few days while listening away during school work and just life in general it has made me pray, dance, and celebrate. It has reminded me there is something much larger than myself that is consuming this world. And it's made me feel as though I can conquer the world and grasp it's beauty into the depths of my soul ... It has sparked hope, and love, and conversation, and much more.

If you haven't had a chance to check it out, you really should. Just click on the little music symbol on the homepage and enjoy... you're really in for something spectacular.

(And plus who doesn't love a good image of streaking across the front of a cd... I mean come on! Really? baha!)

of Christ, graduation, coffee, and things

2009-02-11T00:35:00.005-05:00

I really need to be sleeping right now but for some reason some stuff is floating around in my mind that I apparently feel I need to share with the blog world. So here it goes...

(1) This morning I helped run CampFest (think a job fair but with just camps there) at Clemson for one of my classes. My job was to run the shuttle; so I basically drove the camp directors from their cars to the Hendrix Center all morning long. Doesn't sound too thrilling probably but I got to talk to a lot of camp directors and it was good in so many ways. I really felt the Lord confirming His promises to me... not even really specifically, but I just heard such affirmation during all of it. It was exciting to talk to those people and hear their stories and actually see that living that life is possible. I don't think I've ever known more what I want to do after I graduate... that's really huge for me and I'm really starting to get excited about possibilities.

(2) My ceramics teacher and I were talking after class today and she was asking me what I was going to do when I graduate. During the conversation she said that her job teaching art classes (and keep in mind, this women's proclaimed professional title is "artist") is the most boring job she's ever had... Excuse me? Then she started telling me how she's done all this absolutely ridiculous stuff all over the world and taught people an unbelievable variety of things and about all the things she had learned. Please Lord, help me live a life like that.

(3) I'm starting to sense signs of burnout in myself. My life feels like an endless cycle of go to work, go to class, go to work, go to class, answer questions about graduation, go to work, go to class, go to work, go to class. It's getting old. Better kill that quick!

(4) I am self-admittedly pretty checked out of school. So over it. And as of this week, my grades are pretty much showing it... oops, gotta get on top of that.

(5) I haven't forgotten to further discuss the sidewalk issue - I will get too it. Just haven't had a ton of time.

(6) Based on the things I'm going through and seeing around me right now... I'm really starting to see that while Christian community can be absolutely the most beautiful thing on the planet and is something we all desperately need... we really need to make sure it doesn't just suck us completely inward so much so that we forget there are people outside of our little bubble... for cryin out loud.

(7) I don't know what's next... but I do know that I really feel like I could enjoy this summer off. Just a break. To work some, and love a lot, and spend time with family and friends, enjoy dcf, play a lot, possibly go on a road trip, and really seek some time with the Lord... then jump into whatever's next. My heart has really been aching and hoping for that lately. I really am praying for some time for that. I don't want to just graduate and jump into whatever is next. Come fall time-ish though, I'll be ready!

(8) What a sinful, scary, ugly, dark thing when we put others before our Creator. We squeeze out every room for Him to move in us. Even if it's with relationships we seek the Lord in and we have the best of intentions with. As much as I love people... this has been a hard one for me to learn and I feel it's probably only the beginning. BUT having said that, it has been redeeming beyond comprehension (and that's probably and understatement!)

(9) For the love, I wish people understood proper coffee shop etiquette. I've decided college students really suck at it the most... I don't know really where you learn stuff like that but at some point it's like GIVE ME A BREAK!

(10) My parents are some of the most hard-working, hilarious, wonderful people I know. And I mean that. As much as there are also issues... I love them so dearly.

The end.

The Circle of Life

2009-02-06T10:41:00.005-05:00

A couple of weeks ago some friends and I spent the weekend on Lake Jocassee. We swam in the freezing cold water, had a fire, cooked out, explored, went on a hike, and laughed a whole lot. It was so good for the soul.

During a walk around the lake though, something really incredible took place pretty spontaneously. Well lots of really incredible things took place on that walk come to think of it - there was a whole lot of freedom running through us.

Anyways, right now, I give you the best picture I think I've ever been a part of:

incredible? yes!

Generosity

2009-02-04T12:19:00.002-05:00

When I think about times where people have been generous towards me in a monetary sense, two things usually come to mind. The first was a couple of summers ago when I longed to be anywhere but in Clemson, and sensing the need for a break in every part of my being, a lady whose entire family are very dear to me, bought me a plane ticket to California where I spent three blissful weeks. Even now, I get tears in my eyes when I think about that. The second was last year when I was desperate for money. Where I had bills to pay, and groceries to buy, and rent to pay and I was done. I was out of money and had no clue where it was going to come from. When one of my closest friends at Clemson walked into my apartment, handed me a large sum of money and told me I needed it more than he did, and walked out. I was floored beyond comprehension.

But quite possibly topping that list was something that took place recently. As some of you know, I've been longing to find some way to express myself artistically. I'm simply not a painter, not a drawer, not a musician... but something about the arts pulls at my heart. For me, this longing runs deep and is something that has been like an unquenchable thirst. There's just something in me that's dying to get out and the longer it goes ignored, the louder it becomes.

Enter ... ceramics - It's something I have always been fascinated by, always been curious about, and always wanted the opportunity to explore.

So for Christmas this year, I thought I was going to get to take a pottery class at the Art Center in Clemson. But due to several factors (mostly being a lack of money)... it just didn't work out. And while I understood completely why it couldn't happen, there was a part of me that was a little crushed. Really, is this ever going to happen? It's just not meant to be I guess... I was just kidding myself believing I could do this.

Until one night I walked into the Sawyer's house, opened a card, and found a check written out to me for the same amount as the class, accompanied with words of encouragement, hope, joy, and belief in who I was...

Last night I had my first class. And usually, in situations like these I find myself trying to run. Making up excuses, believing the doubting questions in my mind, and retreating for a good and long hibernation into the darkness and silence of my heart; all the while wallowing around in self-pity and pain and deafening lies. Last night was different though, I found myself at a deep peace when I walked through those doors. As I learned, and tried, and messed up, and tried, and learned, and let the fear go... there was beauty spinning around me. And while I don't know where this will take me... I do know that it is good, so good.

So thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Here Goes Nothin

2009-02-01T22:26:00.002-05:00

Well, it's official less than one month after swearing I would never sign up for another marathon again... I just signed up for the Denver Marathon on October 18, 2009. And I'll be running it with my good friend Amy Sawyer. Now we only gotta get Liz Rand to upgrade to the marathon, and Juli Kalbaugh to jump in... and of course, anyone else who wants to be crazy enough to attempt this!

And maybe the best part about it, is that registration cost 75 dollars and I just won the JJ's Super Bowl pool. How much did I win, 75 dollars! Free marathon! WOOHOO!

Now... somewhere along the way I may need you all to remind me... why in the world am I doing this again?

Yep. Okay, sweet.

January Book Review

2009-01-31T16:26:00.004-05:00

As you may have read, one of goals for the new year is to read at least one book every month. So I thought I would review them on here... but don't expect too much. Let's be honest, when it comes to reading... I'm not Justin Scott, Amy Sawyer, or Juli Kalbaugh - but here it goes!

This first book I actually started in December, but it was like the 30th and I didn't finish it until January, so we're counting it for this month. The first book I read (as promised) was Winn Collier's Holy Curiosity: Encountering Jesus' Provocative Questions. In all honesty, I really feel like anything I could say about this book - would not be good enough. I simply couldn't put it down. I loved the heart-probing, to-the-point questions Winn talked about. I loved the honesty of his heart and the wisdom of his words. But mostly, I loved what Jesus had to say. While reading it, I definitely felt the Lord was asking me even more questions and if this was something I really believed... Do I really believe His love for me? Do I really believe Him when He says He cares for me? Why do I fear? It made me take an honest look at myself, which I felt like I haven't done in a long time. And truthfully, I believe it was the catalyst that brought me out of last semester's depression, and into a place where I can be real and free and full of joy again. It is absolutely a must read. I'm hoping to take some time this semester to read through it more slowly and get.

The second book I read was Into The Wild by John Krakauer. I actually only picked up the book because I saw the movie first with some friends and thought it was really great, so knew the book would probably be better. For those of you who don't know it's the true story of a kid named Chris McCandless who graduates from Emory and is really dissatisfied with what the world has to offer. He is disenchanted with his parents' generation - with the idea of getting a job, settling down, working hard for money... so he sets off on an adventure of his own. He ends up abandoning his car, burning his money, only taking a few possessions and hitch hiking and walking all across the United States. along the way, he ends up meeting a lot of really interesting people, he stays with some of them longer than others but ultimately he gives what he has to offer and takes from them what he can. He gets a few jobs along the way for a little bit of income for food and things of the like. The story is actually told from the author's prospective after he took the same trip Chris took, meeting and talking with the same people he met, and doing many of the same things he did. Chris ended up making his way to Alaska where he lived for a couple of months off the land in the middle of winter. I won't ruin the rest for you, but it really is a fascinating book.

In a deep sort of way that is very hard for me to explain, I connected very strongly with Chris's deep desire for more. I absolutely love his wreckless abandon for more truth and freedom. I love that he was a nomad, living on the land and finding others to live with. I love that he was not afraid to go against the grain, he wasn't afraid to ask questions, and he was ultimately never afraid of what he would find. I think his story challenges us all, at least to some degree - to take a lot at the things our heart calls us too and to be obedient to that. I believe this things this book taught me and forced me to ask myself, and the things I discovered about my heart through this book are remarkable and breath-taking. I think it awakened in me, this deep sense of adventure, and love of creation, and of living simply. While I knew those things existed in me, I did not know before reading this book just how much I desire these things and how passionate about them I am. I have really been thinking about those things and asking a lot of questions and praying about what all this means, because I do not think it can simply go ignored.

Although, I think there is also something about this story that is deeply haunting. I think he was looking for something far more than this experience could give him. I think all of the time he spent alone and being so disengaged with society, really started to take a toll on him. I think it made him wildly angry. And for many of those reasons, as well as things I started to sense in myself - I actually did not finish this book. I started to notice that I was becoming almost obsessed with his story. I was thinking about it a lot, and I think it started to make me be very critical of every part of this society around me. While there may be some issues with society, I was being critical of things that were simply just not worth putting energy towards. And I just began to realize that on some level, that probably wasn't too healthy. (And yes, for the record, I do think that this book had something to do with my new hate relationship with sidewalks. Haha, And I will respond to your comments from that post shortly.)

So, that being said - I would definitely say read the book, but read it with caution. I think the story of Chris McCandless is something we all need to hear because it is challenging and wild and I believe it has the potential to awaken something beautiful in us all. However, I would also read it with caution - especially if you have abandon all adventurous side accompanied with an obsessive personality, like myself.

For February, I'll try to actually start the books in February and finish them. ;)

No More Sidewalks

2009-01-29T16:07:00.004-05:00

Alright, so I'm not exactly sure how anyone is going to respond this or maybe no one will even care that much. And it's something that is maybe a little strange and small to feel so passionate about, but I really have been thinking a lot about this

I've recently decided (and today confirmed it 100%) that I hate sidewalks and will no longer use them unless I absolutely have too. Basically, I just think they are really pointless, and truthfully they pretty much irritate me a whole lot.

Now, just as a comment before I really get going here... I do understand their importance and use in some situations. Two examples come too mind. The first would be in a downtown/city type of setting. I understand that we just can't be running around on streets dodging cars, taking our lives in our hands, and just hoping we won't die just when trying to go from one place/store to another. I get that, completely. The second is that I understand that for people with wheelchairs and disabilities, sidewalks are extremely useful and also even very necessary. Without them, travel could be entirely hindered - not ok by any means. By all means, make sidewalks for these situations - in fact, I encourage them.

However, back to my irritation and what I'm going to go ahead and start to claim as a hatred towards sidewalks. What I DO NOT like about sidewalks is that in many cases they pretty much serve NO PURPOSE. Example - on Clemson's campus. Let's be honest here, there are about 15 billion sidewalks all over that campus. (Don't believe me? Walk around behind the library or from the library to the union.) And I think the fact there are so many is really stupid and I do NOT think they make anything "more beautiful" at all. I don't need 6,000 sidewalks to get from point A to point B - really, you're just wasting a lot of concrete and a lot of money that could be put towards something much more useful.

My other point is that when did we become too good to walk on the freaking earth? Really? Lately, what I feel like when I walk on sidewalks is that I'm saying, "Dear God, the dirt you made and the grass you have grown is awful and I'm too good to walk on it. So I'm going to make this artificial turf and walk all over it because that grass is too green and looks to perfect to actually use." REALLY?! come on people, get a little dirty - it might do your life some good.

I realize this is a relatively simple and silly thing I'm getting so worked up about. But I just don't understand why we can't walk on the grass. I can't even completely explain my feelings about it, it's just something I feel really strongly about. I guess this becomes less about the actual sidewalk issue and more about how I feel like I'm really growing to love the Lord's creation a whole lot more than I used too. Basically, I just think it's kind of sad. There's this whole huge beautiful world out there that the Lord has made FOR us because He loves us so deeply. And I just feel like we're completely disconnected from it, and we're missing something so big and so good. Even to the point where we can't even actually walk on the ground he created. Sometimes, it just feels like we've gotten to the point where we're so concerned with protecting ourselves and so concerned with maybe getting dirty - that we've made these paths so that we don't have to do anything we may not like... I really feel there are some analogies and issues here.

So from now on, unless completely necessary, I'm banning my use of sidewalks.

A List of Updates

2009-01-26T23:26:00.004-05:00

There have been several times lately where I have gone to write a post and I either (1) can't say what I want, how I want too (2) run out of time to write it or (3) about half way through I just think it's not really worth a post anymore so I quit.

Therefore, here's a list of some things I've been up too and some things I've been thinking about:

- Juli and Corey Kalbaugh both back in school? and Erin Scott quit her job to shoot weddeings! WHAT!? best thing ever. makes me want to do jumping jacks or something. or probably cry is more like it.

- I'm on a new quest to get up around 7 AM every morning. I'm sure you working people are laughing your heads off at me, but you have to understand I've never had to do that. And I'm far from being a morning person, I come alive in the night. Also, I really love to sleep. I can sleep for at least 12 hours straight with absolutely no problem. I've made it one day so far and I feel like I'm dying. I'm thinking after a week or two it will get easier.

- My family got a new puppy a week or so ago. She is a chocolate lab named Bentley and she's the cutest thing ever.

- The thought of entering the real world in a few months is starting to terrify me. And no, I don't have a clue what I'm going to do - there are a lot of possiblities.

- This past weekend I went on an adventure with some friends to Lake Jocassee. We went swimming (yes, it was freezing, and yes it was awesome), we had a bonfire, and we went on a hike. We laughed a lot, and played a lot, and held hands a lot, and talked a lot, and ate a lot of good food. Last semester we went on several adventures as well - to the mountains to hike, to swim in rivers, to camp, to mountain bike... Those kinds of days get my blood stirring. They are were life happens. If I can spend my life pursuing those things, I will be happy. (So that's what I'm planning on doing... I can't for the life of me figure out why everyone else doesn't want too also?)

- Seeing Amy Sawyer recently makes my heart swell and burst with joy and love every single time. There's such beauty in her.

- I've been reading Into The Wild after seeing the movie not so long ago... look for my thoughts on the book soon. It has got me really thinking a lot. I really have been connecting with a lot of it (except for the going to Alaska alone to eat poisionous plants and die part).

- I feel alive again.

- There has been talk around here recently about "Denver 2010" when about 5 girls or so will end up there. It's beautiful, and thinking of living in community with those girls feels like what I've prayed for for so long. (Plus, we all know the Sawyers will end up there one day, and the Rands are already there!) Of course, the Lord could change anything and I pray to be okay with that too.

- a lot of my conversation lately has been centered around the questions: What do you desire? What do you fear? What would your life look like if you really believed?

- Sometimes late at night, all I want to do is go for a drive with Rachael.

- I want to run so bad it's killing me. But my dang knees are just killing me. These anti-inflamma-WHATEVERs aren't doin it for me. But I am going swimming tomorrow - BAHAHA that will probably make for a good story.

- Someone said to me recently that they think I have some of the most ridiculous stories they've ever heard. Maybe it's true... but I like to keep things interesting, ok!?

- After two devastating losses (one of them being a total domination) I still ultimately believe in the success of this Clemson basketball team. I love them so much. If Oliver goes to coach at Maryland, I'm pretty sure I'll cry for the first time in my life at the loss of a Clemson legend. Yes, legend. Question me, I'll sick my friend Trevor Booker on you and he's taller than you, I promise.

- It may have taken me awhile, but I think I'm finally starting to be ok with not being a Young Life leader. Last semester I went through some serious regret and questions about it. I still miss it every day and probably will to some degree always, but I'm starting to realize that my story with Young Life was a good one and it isn't necessarily over forever. I'm starting to be a lot more excited about where I am able to serve now, as well as realize the Lord is still doing big things in Seneca High School and my heart as well. He has provided me community, even though it looks way different.

- I think this season of LOST is going to be incredible. I'm so excited for it. I think we're going to find out so much... and oh my gosh, I can't even go into this right now.

Alright, I think that's all for now! Hopefully there's more to come soon!

Marathon Results

2009-01-14T13:51:00.009-05:00

The short version:
three essentials to running went terribly wrong: (1) forgot my ipod, (2) accidentally packed two left shoes and zero right shoes, and (3) missed the start

Now you want the long version? I figured. Truthfully it's not as bad as the above makes it sound - but here's the story.

The ipod:
On the way down to Orlando on Friday afternoon I realized that I had forgotten my ipod. Even after I sent out a mass email for song suggestions and spent literally hours the week before creating a marathon playlist... left the dang thing in my car. Shootnugget. I never used to run with music before, but training for a marathon has changed that forever. How in the world was I supposed to run for freaking 5 hours without music? I literally put my head in my lap, made a lot of miserable noises, and rolled around in my seat at the realization of my silly mistake. Then my brother says, "I have mine and I never run with it, you can use it." I think I thanked him about 6,000 times. I literally would have been in pure misery had I not had an ipod - it was a life saver for sure. And the bonus was that I had my computer with me so I was able to put the marathon playlist onto his ipod. Excellent!

The shoes:
On Sunday at approximately 4:30 AM (the race started at 5:50) when I went to put on my tennis shoes I realized I had only two left shoes. Many people since then have stared at me and said, how did you manage that? Let me explain: I have two pairs of running shoes. Both pairs are orange. One pair I never use and usually stay at the bottom of my shoe bin; the other pair I always use is usually floating around my room, my porch (when they are wet) or at the top of the shoe bin. On Friday when I was packing I was in a bit of a hurry but no big deal, I just grabbed the two tennis shoes I saw on the top of the shoe pile. The old pair of shoes are never even in my mind, and how they ended up on the top of the shoes I don't think I'll ever know. Anyways, so back to Sunday morning. Upon realizing this I almost got really upset and I said to myself, Ok... there is nothing you can do now. You're running this thing. Just move forward. So I say to my mom, "Mom, I need your other pair of running shoes. I packed two left shoes." And no one says anything to me - not my mom! not my dad! not my brother! what? So I said it again, when everyone was like, "WHAT? WHY DID YOU DO THAT? BLAH BLAH BLAH" And I just said, "ok, can't fix it now, just give me your other shoes." Let me remind you I wear a size 7 running shoe. My mom wears a size 9 running shoe. So, I ran 26.2 miles in one size 7 shoe on my left foot and a size 9 shoe on my right foot. Typical Melissa, I know. But actually, it didn't seem like that big of a deal at the time. I barely noticed it. Except now my foot feels like hell and like all the bones are poking out of it - but whatever!

The start:
This incident my friends, was NOT our fault! Now I love Disney and I think they are very good at what they do (despite the fact everything costs every penny you've ever even seen in your life) ... but their race organization skills - SUCK! It's a long, kind of boring, ridiculous story; but basically the parking was a disaster, it was impossible to find the start, we had to walk at least a half a mile to the start, we heard the start of the race from our car... craziness and stressful. But we just started about 20 minutes after everyone. Which sounds like it could have been really detrimental, but this marathon was huge and we were able to catch people pretty quickly, AND there were a lot of people in the same boat as us - so it worked out! The only real unfortunate thing about it was that I didn't get to stretch at all before the race, so around mile 14 I had to stop and stretch b/c my quads felt tighter than a mug (whatever that means). And I think I probably would have felt a little better and more relaxed if I had been able to stretch, especially because I usually stretch a lot beforehand.

As for the race itself, I felt pretty decent up until mile 15 or so when I just started to get pretty tired. Then I was able to hang in there until mile 21 and feel pretty good remarkably enough. Until mile 21, I stopped and walked at the water stops but it wasn't really a big deal to start again. Then I hit the end of mile 21 and all I could think about was FIVE MORE MILES... WHAT IN THE WORLD, THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY TERRIBLE. THEN, we hit the start of mile 25 and I was like Why, in the dump am I doing this... I can't run another freaking mile. Screw this! So I walked that whole mile (which is pretty funny to think about now). But then I knew the last mile was coming and I refused to walk it so I somehow ran the whole last 1.2 mile. Other than that I really enjoyed the race. Disney, as you can probably imagine, did an excellent job of entertaining you throughout the race and I really enjoyed running through the parks. There were a few minor hills, which was good because it helped your relax and work different muscles.

My one regret is that I trained VERY poorly after my half marathon on Thanksgiving. I dominated that run and felt great the entire time - and then my body was like "ok, now we're gonna hibernate because this is exhausting" and I just couldn't make myself run much after that. I think I ran maybe 5 times in the six weeks leading up to the marathon, and only one of those was over five miles. That's a foolish and rookie mistake, and I think it had a drastic affect on my race. My time was somewhere around 5 hours, 45 minutes (not really sure yet due to the whole start incident) and I never felt great like I did in the half-marathon. I just kind of felt... there. Although, thankfully I did get into somewhat of a rhythm. But really... REALLY 5:45:?? - I had hoped to do a lot better than that, and I truthfully I feel like I could have done it in at least 30 minutes to an hour faster. I'm disappointed in that, BUT I am very excited about just finishing the freaking thing.

Running a marathon is about the most ridiculous thing I have ever done. It is really hard to describe, but it was out of control. That's a damn long way to run. I mean thinking about it is one thing, doing it is a completely different thing. And I never knew my body could hurt as badly as it did after I finished or in the days that followed. I literally could barely walk (and that is not an exaggeration). I really don't think our bodies were made to run that far. I actually went to see a doctor today and turns out I may have a slight stress fracture on the top of my foot and am having some knee problems that may have to get further investigated if it doesn't clear up soon. Pretty sure I may have done permanent damage to my body... how lovely.

(Warning: This next paragraph is going to completely contradict everything I just said in that last paragraph - you love me, don't deny it.) Afterwards I swore out loud and to many people that I would never run another marathon again. I told Juli it would take some serious convincing or some extreme condition to get me to do that again. False, I already convinced myself. Mainly because I just know I could do better and I really want to see how well I could do if I trained better the last half (I think having someone to run every run with would help a lot - that forces more of a commitment and takes some of the pressure off), stretched before the race, remembered my freaking right tennis shoe, and didn't get stressed out because I missed the dang start of the race. Truthfully, now that I'm a few days off of the pain and have thought about it some more - I could totally do it again and it makes me excited to think about... but don't worry, it certainly won't be any time soon!

So in closing, I learned a lot and it was a really good but ridiculous experience. I feel like the whole thing went down in typical Melissa fashion... eh! Whatcha gonna do!? Sorry this was unbelievably long, I'm sure it only interested a few people - but that's ok.

Thanks to everyone who has supported me, encouraged me, ran with me, and celebrated with me in this whole process! It has meant a lot and I definitely couldn't have done it without you! Oh! And running the whole thing with all three other members of my family was so great. It was an incredible weekend - I'm so thrilled we all completed the whole thing! Yeah GUTHRIES! We own you.

2008 Reflections and 2009 Hopes

2009-01-08T21:22:00.007-05:00

Perhaps this is a few days overdue but it being the New Year I figured it was time to join the crowd to take some time to reflect over 2008 and give some hopes for 2009.

2008 for me was a year of a lot of ups and downs, as I'm sure can be said for most years but this year has seen some extremes on both ends.

Some highs have included last spring semester - a time of much growth and beauty and immense joy. Then there was the month of LoveFest/May that remains probably the best month of my life to date (big statement, I know). I have never experienced such a season of pure and absolute excitement about everything going on in and around me, as well as in the lives of the precious people the Lord has blessed me with. It was a season of much growth, and actually being able to love myself for who the Lord has made me, as well as truly trust that He is good. There was New Orleans - a difficult place but a place I felt alive, a place I was able to serve in such a concrete way, a place I fell in love with, and a place that I just felt the Lord's presence in more heavily than ever before. I learned a lot and grew a lot and loved a lot, I gave a lot and was loved a lot - it was a blessing. And I met some of the most beautiful people. I learned to love people I have nothing in common with, I learned to shed tears with them, as well as rejoice with them.

The lows have included coming back to a new Clemson, a place much different than when I left it. There was depression and hardship, a lot of questions, a lot of hiding (truthfully), a lot of wanting to give up, a lot of loneliness, a lot of unnecessary burdens, a lot of hurt in me and others around me, and a lot of feeling numb. People moving, inner-turmoil, and seeing people you love hurt beyond comprehension will take a number on a girl's soul!

But I must say... through it all - 2008 was a good year for me. The Lord has shown me His faithfulness is beyond what I can even fathom. He has shown me He is alive and that His love is the only thing I even want to cling too, it is the only thing that matters. He has shown me He is moving and He is redeeming and He refuses to go ignored. He has shown me the beauty He has created in this world, in others, and in me. He has shown me His power and His love can change anything. He has proved Himself trustworthy, even though I firmly believe the Lord doesn't have to prove anything to us. He is good. All I can say is that He is good. He has poured His love and intimacy and blessings all over me, and I am in awe and am overwhelmed with the faithfulness of our Father. He continues to crown us each day as His sons and daughters... of the King! What a cause for rejoicing!

Lastly, some hopes (I don't really like the word "resolutions") for 2009 include:
- truly enjoy the small amount (in the grand scheme of things) of time I have left here
- graduate from Clemson!
- move out of South Carolina
- find something my heart truly loves, and pour myself into serving there
- in vague terms... don't settle
- choose more often to live in the beauty, love, and joy the Lord has given us
- find a new way of expressing myself (i've been saying this for over a year now, time to get on it)
- seek, ask questions, and face truth more boldly
- love, serve, and commit to praying more for dcf
- lose fear in order to live more freely (which includes finally dancing and engaging in new relationships)
- after i've recovered from the marathon, continue to exercise regularly (3/4 times a week)
- get a tattoo
- read a book a month
- make more of an effort to "live green"
- give away a good deal of all my unneeded possessions (which truthfully, is a lot)
- make more conscious decisions about how i spend my money
- if i see something good i want, be confident, and with the Lord's help - pursue it (and i'm not talking about anything materialistic)

mmm.... I better get busy!

The Job Search

2008-12-23T15:15:00.004-05:00

So the last two days working at the jit has been pretty slow due to lack of students and it being Christmas time... so during work I have spent some time looking for jobs. I've been looking at some camp management/internship opportunities and several outdoor ministry organizations. I haven't really started the concrete process of applying and contacting people, but I have things I'm at least going to investigate further. The idea of something out west seems to really be pulling at me pretty strongly.

The whole thing has me really excited about whatever is next. I've been thinking a lot about what it means to move to a new place, to give to it, and to live intentionally as possible there. I'm trying to really pray through that and to listen for guidance about what is next. I am positive it will have it's own set of challenges and difficulties and questions... but I also am just excited for new life and new energy.

Although, at the same time, I was going through my new planner (woohoo! gotta love the planner) and filling in some dates... when all of the sudden I came to May. January, February, March, April... AHHH! WHAT? If 4 and a half years went by this fast... that's going to fly.

My hope is to enjoy the time I have left here. And I mean really enjoy it. I think that would make a new place a whole lot sweeter.

Great Blog. Great Author. FREE book!

2008-12-05T15:38:00.004-05:00

Wanna win a free book!? Go here to find out how!

I haven't actually read it, but 1) i'm planning on doing so! 2) the author is pretty freakin awesome 3) everyone i've heard talk about says that it's a must read!

Sweet! Hope you win! And if you don't, at least you know about a new blog you should read!

A Glimpse of Hope

2008-11-30T18:13:00.007-05:00

Going to church these past couple of months have been hard to be honest. dcf has always been a place where I have felt at home, where I have felt alive, and it has been a place where I can drop everything in order to just simply be. But these past few months it just hasn't been that way. I have repeatedly come and felt turmoil within my very being. I've felt uneasy and even frightened. And I want to be very clear in noting that I don't think this circumstance has anything remotely to do with the changes that have taken place within dcf. While dcf is different - it is still great. It is still very much a home, a place to feel safe, a place to come alive, a place to simply be. And I think what is happening at dcf is beautiful and breathtaking. I think the recent feelings are entirely about the wrestlings going on within my heart.

During the whole gathering today I was very distracted... for lack of a better way of putting it. I was just all over the place being self-consumed in my problems and worries and fears. I could barely even turn off the thoughts, it was just constantly one after the other. It was hard for me to engage in worship, I felt myself trying to offer praise to God but my words felt empty, my heart just wasn't there. I tried to pray, and again my words felt empty and my thoughts fleeting; I felt like I was speaking a language no one could understand, especially not myself and not God. I didn't know what to ask, and anything I thought to ask or thank God for... just didn't seem worth it in all honesty. The things I could bare to mutter were more questions of what in the world was going on and why could God just not stop this mess in my heart? I thought the teaching was good and I enjoyed what I heard, but again it was just hard to fully listen... you get the idea about how today was.

I wasn't scheduled to serve communion today, but due to my lack of sending out a reminder email and it being Thanksgiving weekend at the last moment I ended up walking up to the front to serve. As KT talked about what communion symbolizes for us and invited everyone to come and participate, I found myself thinking, "I am in no place to serve communion today to anyone, what am I doing up here?"

But the people stared coming - one after the other, face after face, some familiar and some foreign.

Everytime I serve communion I try to make it a point to look the person in the eyes as they engage in this intimate act of worship with the one who loves them most. Some stare back as you offer them Christ... some don't look at you at all... some hurry through it... others wait until you are done speaking to actually take the bread or juice... some say amen... some say thank you... some are fully engaged... others maybe not...

This is Christ's body, broken for you. This is Christ's body, broken for you. This is Christ's body, broken for you.

As I continued to repeat those words and stare into the eyes of those precious people Jesus loves as they were coming to receive the gift of Christ's body and blood... it broke me. There were many, many tears.

I began to think about how each of these people have such intricate stories and relationships with our God and King. For some this is a good season, full of life and joy and good. For others, this is a hard season, full of questions and doubts and fears and lonliness. But for all of us, the truth is that we are immensly broken and Christ is the only thing that can ultimately put our shattered peices back together again and make it beautiful. And it's true for every eye I looked in today... and even myself as well.

As the tears flowed, I thought about His love for us and that His heart for us is ultimately good and that His very Spirit lives within each one of us, and as I stared into those eyes... I noticed something I had never seen before. And I'm probably not going to be able to fully explain this or even remotely do it justice, but there are some people - that as you look them in the eyes and tell them the bread they hold in their hands is a symbol of Christ's body broken for them... there are some who stare deeply back as if to say, "I know, I get it... and it's the only true thing I have to hold onto. it's the only thing I love. it's the only thing I want. Yes, I get it... isn't it the most wonderful thing you've ever tasted?" Today, one guy even said repeatedly yes, yes as he tore off a peice of bread.

My soul was stirred deeply, I was washed with the first real peace I've felt in months, I looked into the eyes of the ones Jesus loves... and I began to realize, I can trust that love for myself too.

Half-Marathon Results!

2008-11-29T13:55:00.004-05:00

Well... I woke up at 5:30 AM on Thanksgiving morning, threw on some under=armor and a jacket, put my hair in a ponytail, ate a piece of toast, and walked out the door to run the Atlanta Half-Marathon.

I have to be honest, I really wasn't sure how it was going to go. The amount I've run over the past 3 weeks is kind of ridiculous. And by ridiculous I mean I think I averaged 1.5 runs a week. Oopsy! Also, the whole thing kind of snuck up on me and I wasn't very well hydrated except for the 4 glasses of water I drank before I went to bed.

But - I totally KILLED it!
2:09:57... averaging just under 10 minute miles.
I ran the first 6 miles in under an hour and then at 12 miles came in just under 2 hours. At that point I realized I could totally finished by 2:10! When I crossed the finish line and looked at the clock I was super proud, not gonna lie.

This whole time training I've been thinking that 10 minute miles may be a bit aggressive for little 'ole me... I'm really not a very good runner - not really fast by any means, I just enjoy it, am determined, and do have some endurance going for me - but I was pretty much right on the 10 minute mile pace!

I really liked the distance of the half-marathon race. It was long but enjoyable, and enough time to really settle into a good groove. Also, there weren't people who were out of control psycho like in a 5K or a 10K who think they have to sprint the whole thing. People were really just out there to enjoy it and get a good run in. However, it was still a challenging enough distance to push yourself. I definitely want to run some more halfs in the future. I'd love to go under 2 hours someday!

After I crossed the finish line though... I wouldn't let myself even thinking about running double that. That's absolutely ridiculous, only idiots run marathons. I really just couldn't even think about it, it seems out of control... I can't even imagine.

Anyways, the rest of the day I enjoyed a 2.5 hour nap in which I was dead to the world, 2 knees that felt like they were going to explode off my legs, and then some really good food. Woohoo!

That was probably far more information than any of you needed... but speaking of half-marathon results, when is Amy Sawyer ever going to blog about how her and Juli totally dominated the one they ran a few weeks ago?!

Marathon Training Update

2008-11-24T13:15:00.002-05:00

Here it is...

wait for it, wait for it.

I'm sick of running.

haha, who would have thought? And my body is unbelievably tired.

So how have I been fixing this? Not running... mmm yeah, this half marathon on Thursday should be reallllll interesting.

Some Time

2008-11-19T13:20:00.003-05:00

Well... I realize it's been awhile.

And I could write about the beauty of fall or about going to Virginia over fall break. Or I could write about what I'm thinking about doing with my life next. Or I could write about random adventures. I could write about what I've been learning or about good conversations I've had lately. I could write about the marathon training. There are probably a lot of things I could write about.

But I can't. The most honesty I can muster is that things have been pretty dry and messy around here lately. But there have been some definite tears of hope in the past few days. I think the feeling is possibly in the very early stages of returning...

so when I can break the silence and find words to put to anything, I'll get back to you. Promise.

Maybe an update

2008-10-28T11:35:00.002-04:00

I have been trying to think of something to say for awhile... just don't feel like I have a lot to share right now. Sometimes the words are few I guess.

The most I know to update you on is this (and maybe it's not an update at all) ... Do you ever have moments where you feel like you can literally feel yourself growing? Where you feel yourself being stretched even to the point of tears, and even though it is slow you can tell something is happening within you?

- I've been battling loneliness. I know, that is nothing new.

- Some days I barely notice it... but today, I miss people terribly. My heart is more than aching for people and memories... and times when I feel like I didn't have to fight as much.

- I can't wait to see Rachael in less than a week (even if it makes me go into credit card debt, who cares). I feel like I could burst just thinking about it. Connection will be so beautiful, but of course there will still be some who should be there too.

- There is hope. I do know that. It just requires a continual fight for what is good. The Lord continues to remind me that He is good to us.

hope.

2008-10-22T15:43:00.003-04:00

I don't know if you've seen this or not, but someone showed me this video a couple of days ago and I am absolutely in love with it. It's one of the most beautiful stories of the Gospel I have ever seen. Such truth and freedom... I hope you feel it's power and know the redemption we are all given as well. Peace to you friends.

This is more difficult than I would have thought

2008-10-16T12:34:00.004-04:00

A (kind of funny, but serious) quote from breakfast with Amy this morning...
"It's good to know that without Juli here you can still cry."

Yep. Truth. I can still cry when my heart feels messy.

I'm being reminded this just a season of slow steps, fighting for what is good, being honest, and holding tightly to the Lord's truth.

Animals

2008-10-14T11:24:00.003-04:00

i read this article recently and have been thinking a lot about it ever since.

what are we doing to our world?

it just makes me sad.

that's all i have to say about that.

Marathon Update

2008-10-09T01:32:00.003-04:00

Today I ran from the Sawyers house to the Y Beach... bahaha. I feel like that statement is so incredibly ridiculous. It was a 7 mile run, and it was really great. I am hooked on this running thing. 3 miles always feels terrible, but anything past 4 I just feel better and better. I felt like I could have kept going today... I'm really excited right now about this marathon thing. The fact that I only have to do almost 4 times that for the real thing, is something I'm just not going to think about right now. One run at a time!

Also, when is the last time it rained ALL day in Clemson? That's right... no one can remember. It was probably years ago. But today seemed just the day for that to happen.

7 miles in a downpour. It sounds crazy, I know. But if I wake up the morning of the marathon and it's raining and I will have trained for 4 months... I'm not going to go back to bed, that's for sure! So what's 7 miles in a little rain? Somewhere around Ingles and a giant truck flew past me and literally a wave of water engulfed me...

but it did my soul some good I think!

In an unrelated side note, today while working at JJ's a lady asked me if she could reserve the couch... then got mad and stormed out when I told her we didn't do that. The whole time I was laughing so hard inside picturing us trying to manage people reserving the couch of all things. JJ's may be slow sometimes, I'm willing to give you that one - but we have better things to do than deal with all that would come if we let people reserve the couch. What's next, the bathroom?
these were some of my other thoughts:
1- sure, let me go kick everyone off of it and tell them you have it reserved.
2- then I'll sit there with a rope around the couch and fend off people who may want to sit there because you have it reserved
3- when I leave work I'm going to get on the bus and say to someone "can you please get up? i've had that seat in this bus reserved since last thursday. move sucka"
4- we are not a hotel
5- the couch? really? you want to reserve it?
haha... so silly, it made me laugh a lot.